Restaurants are pretty cool, right? You go there when you want to relax and have a nice night out, you take dates there to impress them, and you go there to try food you can't get anywhere else. The only problem is that a bunch of shitty people will probably ruin your experience. Restaurants suck, and here's why:
The waitstaff: I've had great waiters and I've had horrible waiters. Don't get me wrong, I always tip (I'm not that much of a dick). But there are certain things that every waiter (and waitress) does that, frankly, are annoying as hell. Exhibit A: coming to the table to ask me how the food tastes three seconds after the food gets put down in front of me. I'm not really sure how the food tastes yet, but I'd be happy to let you know once I get a chance to taste it. Exhibit B: talking to me like a freaking child. If I ask for a my steak medium rare, do not tell me that it'll have a warm red center. If I didn't know what medium rare meant, I'd ask. Otherwise, bring me my steak and wait a few minutes before asking me how it is. Thanks.
 |
| "Shellfish? Just so you know, sir, that's what we call seafood in a shell" |
Other people: I don't know what it is about restaurants, but lots of people seem to think it's their own personal paradise where they're free to scream as loud as they want. And I'm not talking about families with small children. Actually, those families are generally well-behaved. Have you ever sat next to a bunch of vaguely related, slightly intoxicated women? It's Hell if Hell were filled with the shrieking laughter of drunk, middle aged women. Or have you ever sat close to a bar filled with men when any kind of sports game is on? Wait for anything good to happen and they'll fill your local TGI Friday's with their screams. You don't need to blow up when the kicker makes the extra point. Just drink your Bud Light and move on, please.
 |
| Wine and martinis? Get out while you still can |
The atmosphere: Restaurants are super dark. I understand that if a restaurant is darker people eat more, blah blah blah. But does it really need to be so dark that my dad needs to use the flashlight on his phone in tandem with his reading glasses in order to read the menu? He looks like a moron and it embarrasses the entire family. Also, this one's pretty specific, but who did they hire as the interior designer for Applebee's? It looks like the world's most worthless antique shop exploded, then the same guy who designs hotel carpets and 70's conversion van interiors upholstered the seats. It's God awful. The quesadilla burger is pretty bomb though, so they're forgiven.
 |
| Applebee's interior, complete with entirely unrelated "antiques" |
I hope you all enjoyed this week's installment of Cole's Complaints. I know everyone will continue to spend their hard earned money at restaurants, but I can only hope that you'll hate them a little bit more now. I'll see you all right here next week.
