Person 1: Incessantly Late Larry. This person, no matter what, will never arrive to class on time. Doesn't matter if the class is at 8:30 am or 3:00 pm, he'll be late. Larry is guaranteed to be the guy who climbs over you to get to the seat in the middle of the row 15 minutes into class, with absolutely no apology issued. Why is Larry always late? It's a complete mystery. The most dumbfounding part about Incessantly Late Larry is that he never seems to understand that he's doing something wrong. If the professor calls him out for being late, he'll usually respond with some sort of bulletproof alibi like, "sorry, I was sleeping." Larry is also guaranteed to be unprepared. I had a Larry sitting next to me in my 10:05 class today (he came 15 minutes late, because who can wake up for a 10:05 class, right?) and he was taking notes on his phone. Really? You don't have a single piece of paper or a pen in your backpack? What is it full of, excuses? There's guaranteed to be a Larry in your class, but he's nowhere near the worst.
Person 2: Body Odor Olivia. This person smells like a garbage can slept inside a sewer, then took a shit shower before class. They usually reek of cigarettes, last night's mistakes, 3 week old jeans, mayonnaise, and a hint of death. You can smell this person when they walk in the room and all you can do is pray that they don't sit next to you. Inevitably, they do. No joke, I've moved because a Body Odor Olivia sat next to me. How am I expected to sit next to a human dumpster for an hour and 15 minutes and not singe the inside of my nostrils? Plus, I'm always worried that some of their stench will leech into my own clothing. Here's a handy tip: use deodorant, brush your teeth, and take a fucking shower every once in a while. Everybody around you will thank you, and you might see your 10 year friendship drought finally end.
Person 3: Mouth Breather Brendan. This person is a neanderthal. It's really a wonder how they got into college at all. You can only assume that their parents have a lot of money. If not, they're going absolutely nowhere. This person often overlaps with Incessantly Late Larry. This is the guy who asks the professor where they should put their name on the Scantron. Definitely NOT in the big section that says NAME. That's where you put your social security number and a photo of the front and back of your credit card, please and thanks. Mouth Breather Brendans travel in packs. They'll all walk in on the first day laughing hysterically about how this is the 3rd time they've taken this class. I guess there's something hilarious about being in college for 6 years. When a Brendan sits next to you, they'll ask you what page the professor is on when the professor is reading from an internet article. They'll say things like, "ugh, I haven't been out to the bars all week" on a Tuesday morning. They'll ask to borrow your calculator in English class. Mouth Breather Brendans are idiots. They're the reason that professors say, "there are no such thing as bad questions." But you know for damn sure there are.
Person 4: Obviously-A-Freshman Fred: This person is quite a freshman. We were all freshman at one point, and I don't mean to say that we weren't. But this person is the worst type of freshman. Fred comes into class on the first day and introduces himself to each and every human sitting around him. Then, he asks what their major is, where they're from, and what they want to be when they're "all grown up." Fred probably has his room key and student ID hanging from a lanyard around his neck, and was the first person on campus to have a hoverboard. It's cool to be a freshman, Fred, but don't make it so damn obvious. It's painful.
Person 5: Overly Eager Elizabeth. This person is the worst of all five. Elizabeth answers every single question in class, considers her summer job at Burger King an internship, and emailed the professor over the summer to introduce herself. She thinks she's better than everybody else in the class, and she doesn't ever consider the fact that maybe other people are doing just as well as her but don't feel the need to gloat about it. Sometimes, Overly Eager Elizabeth raises her hand so fast that you think she might have dislocated her shoulder. The most satisfying part about these people is that usually, the professor thinks they're just as annoying as the rest of the class does. This person also still talks about her SAT scores, and when she was a freshman she told everyone she was "technically a sophomore because of AP credits." Thank God she's graduating in only 3 years, because then we don't have to deal with her anymore.
There are scores upon scores of obnoxious people at any college. The worst part is that a lot of them date each other, which means they'll eventually reproduce and have the worst kids on the planet. The cycle will never end.
See you all next week.
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