Week 23: Things I Don't Like

This is a list of things I don't like. Yup, that's my post this week. Enjoy:

1. Long boards

2. People who use long boards

3. People who use long boards and also have man buns

4. People wearing man buns at the gym

5. Man buns

6. That stupid haircut that's shaved on the sides and long on the top (like a damaged mop)

7. Tank tops (for men)

8. Douchebags in tank tops

9. People who serenade girls with guitars

10. People who serenade girls with their voices

11. Sailboats

12. Horse carriages

13. That stupid "get the ball in the cup" game that's somehow a sport now

14. Any colonial technology that people feel is still necessary to use even though we have vastly superior technology (like motor boats, cars, and any real sport)

15. People who walk slowly

16. People who walk slowly next to their friends who are also walking slowly

17. People who stop in the middle of the sidewalk

18. People who just get in the way in general

19. People who ask stupid questions (there is absolutely a such thing as a stupid question)

20. People who do stupid things

21. Stupid people

22. Priuses

23. People who brag about their Priuses

24. Giant lifted trucks

25. Douchebags in tank tops who drive giant lifted trucks

26. Slow drivers

27. Oblivious drivers

28. Grammatical errors

29. People who write like first graders even though they're in college

30. Yoga

31. Hot yoga

32. Any form of yoga

33. Salads

34. Girls who wear flowers in their hair and paint their faces for music festivals

35. Douchebags in tank tops at music festivals

36. Music festivals

37. 85% of men

38. People who catcall

39. Lazy people

40. Stupid cooking videos on Facebook

41. Etc.

Any questions, comments, or complaints can be sent to colespam44@gmail.com.

See you all next week.

Week 22: The Bachelorette

Recently Kelly (my girlfriend, dater of assholes) has been using scare tactics to get me to watch The Bachelorette with her. If you've never seen this show, count yourself lucky. The basic premise is that a ridiculously emotional woman fucks with the hearts of equally ridiculously emotional men. I don't have a problem with her toying with these guys' emotions. What I really care about is that, although this show is billed to have one woman and 25 men, it really has 26 women. Here are the four main issues with The Bachelorette.

All the guys are the same: All of the men on this show are just carbon copies of each other. They've all been making fun of Chad (alpha douchebag) for working out too much, but they all clearly work out. Either that, or stressing out over the rose ceremony builds biceps the size of tree trunks. They also all have that stupid haircut where it's shaved on the sides but long and floppy on the top. It makes them all look like they got too emotional in the middle of their haircuts and the barber stylist just gave up.

This haircut. It requires 3 buckets of hair gel every morning

All the guys are obsessed with the girl: These guys have known this girl, JoJo, for a matter of days and they're all absolutely infatuated with her. And sure, JoJo is great, if you like brunette girls with boob jobs that like to cry a lot. But seriously, there's no way that 25 guys all just happen to be in love with her. At least one of those guys has to go home thinking that she actually sucks and is super boring. "Todd, will you accept this rose?" "No JoJo, I want to go home because I don't like you and I ran out of protein powder and clean whitewashed jeans."

Regina George knows

Everything is so dramatic: I've never watched The Bachelor, but I imagine that having 25 women in the house is somehow less dramatic than having this group of men there. They create drama about everything. "O.M.G. Jordan has been talking to JoJo for like... 15 minutes. When am I going to get my chance?" "I'm falling for JoJo but what if I don't get to spend enough time with her?" Quotes like that are commonplace in this house. If one of them broke a nail they would devote a whole segment towards it. I'm not saying that men can't be dramatic, or that women are always dramatic, but I have an issue with the fact that every single man in the house is so obsessed with the process that they think not getting a rose is the end of the world. You all look like Abercrombie models with the thought process of an average gorilla. I'm sure you'll be able to find "love" somewhere else.

My thoughts exactly

Their "jobs" are ridiculous: Whenever the men speak to the camera, it shows their name, age, and occupation on the screen. Their occupations are absolutely ridiculous. One of them is a "former competitive swimmer." Many of you will say, "hey Cole you can't make fun of that because that's you." That's true, but I also don't identify myself as a former competitive swimmer when I meet new people. That's absurd and everybody would think I'm a huge douche. Another guy's says "Hipster". If your occupation is being a hipster there are some serious problems you need to work out, and I don't think marrying a plastic woman is going to help with any of them. Another guy's just says "Canadian." I could go on and on. These guys don't have real jobs, they just look pretty and lift heavy things and rely on others to get by.

Severus Snape was on the show this season

I really would not recommend watching this show. It's entertaining, sure, but it represents everything wrong with society. Trust me, the couples that leave the Bachelor or the Bachelorette are doing more than just contributing to the "50% of marriages end in divorce" statistic. The whole premise of this show is absolutely ridiculous and you'll be shocked at how much of it isn't fabricated.

I hope you all enjoyed this week's installment of Cole's Complaints, and I'll see you all back here next time.

Week 21: Yard Sales

I have to apologize for my absence. Things have been crazy in the world of Cole. My mom just moved to an apartment and I've been working nights, which makes it difficult to post. Not an excuse, just reality. Anyway, on to this week's post.

Part of our move was holding a yard sale, in which we conned people into buying our old crap. I don't know if any of you are familiar with yard sales or have ever held one of your own, but they're pretty awful. There are people who apparently have nothing better to do than go to yard sales all weekend long. Most would call them hoarders, they refer to themselves as "enthusiasts." Bottom line, they're horribly boring and pretty obnoxious. Here are the four people you might run into at a yard sale.

The "I'm in a store" people: These people, I shit you not, will walk up to you at a yard sale and say things like, "hey, do you guys have any bicycle pumps?" That is beyond ridiculous. Hey buddy, do you see any bicycle pumps? No? Well then I guess that means we don't have any. A yard sale is the only shopping experience in which everything you see is everything they have. Do not come up to me and ask if we have any back massagers for sale, because I will tell you to look for yourself, and I will relish in the disappointed look on your face when you don't find one.

"Wow, these bats are nice. Do you have any poker tables?" 

The "browse but don't buy" people: Look, I definitely understand not wanting to spend money on things I don't need. However, I don't go to Bed Bath & Beyond, ask if they have any bicycles, and then continue to spend the rest of my day there (without buying anything) when they say they don't. It takes a maximum of 10 minutes to browse an average-sized garage sale. If they don't have anything that catches your eye, then leave. Don't spend another hour there as if something else is going to appear. I can guarantee that whoever is running said garage sale does not want to make small talk with you while you poke and prod a 50-cent teddy bear. Just leave.

Bed Bath & Beyond. And bicycles

The "need it for less" people: A yard sale is a great place to get a good deal on some used crap. Feel free to negotiate down a dollar or two to get an even better deal on some used crap. Do not, however, ask if you can get our $50 grill for $3. We will laugh in your face and show you over to the $1 table, where you can buy some worthless items for 100x their real value.

"$20 for this wine bottle holder? I'll give you $0.50"

The "touch everything" people: These people will come to your yard sale, poke and prod everything they can get their grubby hands on, then leave without buying anything or try to negotiate ridiculous discounts. Why do you need to touch our blender? It has a glass pitcher with a plastic bottom that blends anything inside of it. You know, like a blender. I don't like it when people need to touch everything anyway, but when it's a bunch of stuff we're trying to sell and it's a dirty stranger doing the touching, it's enough to make me want to scream. Keep your hands to yourself, people.

Different concept, but you get the idea

I hope this dissuaded you from holding a garage sale. It's probably better to just sell all of your stuff on craigslist, where you might get kidnapped and tortured but at least you won't have to deal with people asking if you also have any cookie cutters. I hope you're all enjoying your day, and I'll (hopefully) see you all back here next week.