Week 21: Yard Sales

I have to apologize for my absence. Things have been crazy in the world of Cole. My mom just moved to an apartment and I've been working nights, which makes it difficult to post. Not an excuse, just reality. Anyway, on to this week's post.

Part of our move was holding a yard sale, in which we conned people into buying our old crap. I don't know if any of you are familiar with yard sales or have ever held one of your own, but they're pretty awful. There are people who apparently have nothing better to do than go to yard sales all weekend long. Most would call them hoarders, they refer to themselves as "enthusiasts." Bottom line, they're horribly boring and pretty obnoxious. Here are the four people you might run into at a yard sale.

The "I'm in a store" people: These people, I shit you not, will walk up to you at a yard sale and say things like, "hey, do you guys have any bicycle pumps?" That is beyond ridiculous. Hey buddy, do you see any bicycle pumps? No? Well then I guess that means we don't have any. A yard sale is the only shopping experience in which everything you see is everything they have. Do not come up to me and ask if we have any back massagers for sale, because I will tell you to look for yourself, and I will relish in the disappointed look on your face when you don't find one.

"Wow, these bats are nice. Do you have any poker tables?" 

The "browse but don't buy" people: Look, I definitely understand not wanting to spend money on things I don't need. However, I don't go to Bed Bath & Beyond, ask if they have any bicycles, and then continue to spend the rest of my day there (without buying anything) when they say they don't. It takes a maximum of 10 minutes to browse an average-sized garage sale. If they don't have anything that catches your eye, then leave. Don't spend another hour there as if something else is going to appear. I can guarantee that whoever is running said garage sale does not want to make small talk with you while you poke and prod a 50-cent teddy bear. Just leave.

Bed Bath & Beyond. And bicycles

The "need it for less" people: A yard sale is a great place to get a good deal on some used crap. Feel free to negotiate down a dollar or two to get an even better deal on some used crap. Do not, however, ask if you can get our $50 grill for $3. We will laugh in your face and show you over to the $1 table, where you can buy some worthless items for 100x their real value.

"$20 for this wine bottle holder? I'll give you $0.50"

The "touch everything" people: These people will come to your yard sale, poke and prod everything they can get their grubby hands on, then leave without buying anything or try to negotiate ridiculous discounts. Why do you need to touch our blender? It has a glass pitcher with a plastic bottom that blends anything inside of it. You know, like a blender. I don't like it when people need to touch everything anyway, but when it's a bunch of stuff we're trying to sell and it's a dirty stranger doing the touching, it's enough to make me want to scream. Keep your hands to yourself, people.

Different concept, but you get the idea

I hope this dissuaded you from holding a garage sale. It's probably better to just sell all of your stuff on craigslist, where you might get kidnapped and tortured but at least you won't have to deal with people asking if you also have any cookie cutters. I hope you're all enjoying your day, and I'll (hopefully) see you all back here next week.