Week 22: The Bachelorette

Recently Kelly (my girlfriend, dater of assholes) has been using scare tactics to get me to watch The Bachelorette with her. If you've never seen this show, count yourself lucky. The basic premise is that a ridiculously emotional woman fucks with the hearts of equally ridiculously emotional men. I don't have a problem with her toying with these guys' emotions. What I really care about is that, although this show is billed to have one woman and 25 men, it really has 26 women. Here are the four main issues with The Bachelorette.

All the guys are the same: All of the men on this show are just carbon copies of each other. They've all been making fun of Chad (alpha douchebag) for working out too much, but they all clearly work out. Either that, or stressing out over the rose ceremony builds biceps the size of tree trunks. They also all have that stupid haircut where it's shaved on the sides but long and floppy on the top. It makes them all look like they got too emotional in the middle of their haircuts and the barber stylist just gave up.

This haircut. It requires 3 buckets of hair gel every morning

All the guys are obsessed with the girl: These guys have known this girl, JoJo, for a matter of days and they're all absolutely infatuated with her. And sure, JoJo is great, if you like brunette girls with boob jobs that like to cry a lot. But seriously, there's no way that 25 guys all just happen to be in love with her. At least one of those guys has to go home thinking that she actually sucks and is super boring. "Todd, will you accept this rose?" "No JoJo, I want to go home because I don't like you and I ran out of protein powder and clean whitewashed jeans."

Regina George knows

Everything is so dramatic: I've never watched The Bachelor, but I imagine that having 25 women in the house is somehow less dramatic than having this group of men there. They create drama about everything. "O.M.G. Jordan has been talking to JoJo for like... 15 minutes. When am I going to get my chance?" "I'm falling for JoJo but what if I don't get to spend enough time with her?" Quotes like that are commonplace in this house. If one of them broke a nail they would devote a whole segment towards it. I'm not saying that men can't be dramatic, or that women are always dramatic, but I have an issue with the fact that every single man in the house is so obsessed with the process that they think not getting a rose is the end of the world. You all look like Abercrombie models with the thought process of an average gorilla. I'm sure you'll be able to find "love" somewhere else.

My thoughts exactly

Their "jobs" are ridiculous: Whenever the men speak to the camera, it shows their name, age, and occupation on the screen. Their occupations are absolutely ridiculous. One of them is a "former competitive swimmer." Many of you will say, "hey Cole you can't make fun of that because that's you." That's true, but I also don't identify myself as a former competitive swimmer when I meet new people. That's absurd and everybody would think I'm a huge douche. Another guy's says "Hipster". If your occupation is being a hipster there are some serious problems you need to work out, and I don't think marrying a plastic woman is going to help with any of them. Another guy's just says "Canadian." I could go on and on. These guys don't have real jobs, they just look pretty and lift heavy things and rely on others to get by.

Severus Snape was on the show this season

I really would not recommend watching this show. It's entertaining, sure, but it represents everything wrong with society. Trust me, the couples that leave the Bachelor or the Bachelorette are doing more than just contributing to the "50% of marriages end in divorce" statistic. The whole premise of this show is absolutely ridiculous and you'll be shocked at how much of it isn't fabricated.

I hope you all enjoyed this week's installment of Cole's Complaints, and I'll see you all back here next time.