Week 25: Men's Hairstyles of 2016

Welcome back to another week of Cole's Complaints. It feels good to be back, doesn't it? Like all is right in the world. I don't know how many of you have stepped outside your homes this year, but for those of you that have, you may have noticed a new trend that has been evolving over the past few months. Men are now doing pretty much everything they can to look fucking ridiculous. New hairstyles, pants rolled up to the middle of their calves, and v-neck shirts are everywhere. Today, we'll focus on hairstyles. The others may come later. If you are a man with one of these hairstyles and this offends you, either get a haircut or a sense of humor.

The Man Bun: We all know the man bun. Basically what happened here is some guy on Instagram with an eight pack and pecs that would fill a c-cup bra put his long-ish hair into a bun, and girls went nuts. Then, because guys are nothing if not desperately horny, hundreds of thousands of testosterone-filled, tank top-wearing idiots under the age of 25 drove to Walmart, bought hair ties, and decided to start wearing man buns. Some people put a little more effort into it and grew their hair out before putting it into a bun, which is embarrassing but commendable nonetheless. Lots of other guys, with significant instant gratification issues, decided to tie their hair up into teensy little gumball-sized buns, which made them look like their 6-year-old sisters had just given them a makeover. Then it got worse, because this is 2016 and why the hell not. Men began shaving the sides of their heads but keeping it long enough for a man bun on the top. This had the unintended effect of making them look like they were wearing some sort of weird hat (see below). Long story short: the whole man bun thing was fine at first, but was immediately ruined, as most things are, by a bunch of pudgy males with underdeveloped prefrontal cortices trying to fit in.

Look at that weird little man bun hat

That Weird Hairstyle Where It's Shaved on the Sides and Long and Floppy on the Top: No idea what this one is really called, and I frankly don't care. It looks super weird. Guys with this hairstyle look like they had long hair, went to army boot camp long enough to get half a haircut, bitched out, and decided their hair looked good so they kept it. Then they went and bought some "mousse" (it's not gel, dammit, it's mousse) so they could achieve that perfect level of I-haven't-bathed-in-two-days greasiness, even though it's really been WEEKS since they last bathed. That's the other thing about men's hairstyles these days--why does it always look like their hair is super greasy? Is it because their hair IS super greasy? Is there something about having more grease in your hair that just makes it "flop" better when you're trying to impress Jojo from the Bachelorette? Is mousse actually just shoe polish? These are questions that need answers.

If he flipped his hair it would sling grease across the room

This shit: I was looking for more material, because with all the hipsters in the world now there are an infinite number of "what the fuck is that" hairstyles out there to choose from, and I stumbled upon this gem. This guys' hair looks like a freaking porcupine. I mean seriously, did he stick the back of his head out of the window on the highway and then just not touch his hair? The fact that this hairstyle is not being mocked all over the internet is an absolute travesty, and it pretty clearly shows how unfortunate 2016 has been. Let me just make this a little more clear: this hairstyle is REAL. A REAL PERSON is wearing this hairstyle AS WE SPEAK. This is not sonic the hedgehog, this is a human being. Everybody can just go bury their heads in the sand until 2017, because 2016 has officially gone to shit.

Bask in the poor life choices

Colin Kaepernick: Can we just talk about Colin Kaepernick for a second? And no, I don't mean all this controversy bullshit that's going on, pick a side, I don't care. We're not going to talk about that here. I'm talking about this:

Why is that 70's porn star wearing a 49ers uniform?

When the hell did this happen?! Colin Kaepernick came back for the 2016-2017 NFL season with his own built-in football helmet. It's so hard for me to take him seriously doing anything with hair like that. He looks like a 70's porn star who accidentally stumbled his way onto a football field, and nobody has figured it out yet. Isn't that the plot of Back to the Future III? Plus, have you seen what it looks like when he puts a helmet on? He somehow looks even more ridiculous. He has hair coming out of every possible hole in his helmet. I don't understand where any of this came from, and I simultaneously love it and hate it. Colin Kaepernick, you look freaking ridiculous, but don't cut it because it's priceless. Plus, you'll be casting some nice shade for everybody else riding that bench with you this season.

This has nothing to do with the rest of my post, but tomorrow is my birthday. If you need me, I will be lying in my bed blasting Taylor Swift's "22" until my ears bleed. If you'd like to make a donation for my birthday, shave your local douchebag's man bun clean off. Until next time, farewell.

Week 24: I'm Back, Baby (Also, Pumpkin Spice)

Not gone and not forgotten. I'm not sure how all of you made it through the tail end of the summer without Cole's Complaints (I'm actually not entirely sure that all of you did) but most of us are alive and well and ready to read a series of complaints that carry absolutely no weight. Some may attribute my absence to a Bruce Wayne-esque departure to study my craft. To that, I have no comment. Others may attribute my absence to a general lack of complaints, and to that I do have one comment:

On to the good stuff. As we approach the fall season, and white girls dressed as Han Solo (see footnote) begin their slow migration from the north to the south, two words start to fill the minds, eyes, and ears of people everywhere: Pumpkin Spice. I have no problem, per se, with the actual flavor of pumpkin spice. It's not really my cup of tea, but I can see why people think it tastes good. What I have an issue with is products like this:

Now I'm not sure how familiar you are with mediocre American snack foods, but those are Pringles. Pringles are fucking potato chips. In case you fell out of bed onto your head this morning, have lived your entire life inside the dumpster that is your bedroom, or were actually born yesterday, potato chips are a salty snack that probably could not have a worse pairing than with pumpkin spice. In fact, if you ran up to me on the street and said "hey Cole, what's the last thing you'd put pumpkin spice on?" First I'd tell you to get the hell out of my face. But then if you offered me $5, I'd tell you that potato chips are probably the last thing I'd put pumpkin spice on. 

Here's another one for you. Welch's, you know, the grape juice company, came out with a sparkling pumpkin spice drink. The drink is literally called "Welch's sparkling pumpkin spice." That has nothing to do with grapes, nor can a pumpkin be juiced, so what in the actual fuck goes into this drink? I maintain that this product exists only so people can celebrate getting their first Starbucks pumpkin spice latte of the season by popping bottles of Welch's sparking pumpkin spice drink. 

This is fucking gross. And that's all I have to say about that.

The pumpkin spice craze is, without a doubt, getting out of hand. This year, General Mills came out with brand new pumpkin spice Cheerios. Don't believe me? You have no reason not to. We're one white girl in a cardigan away from pumpkin spice-scented toilet bowl cleaner. The problem, however, isn't only ridiculous branding. It's also the fact that it is September 1, very much still summer, and I'm writing a blog post about pumpkin spice. Not a single leaf has left a single tree, and basic white girls the world over are yearning for fall. And why? Fall is a season of bullshit. Fall is when the temperature goes from 85 one day to 60 the next. It's the only time I have to wear pants and a sweatshirt in the morning and then need to be wearing shorts and a t shirt in the afternoon. All the leaves fall off the trees and God forbid we leave those in our yard. Nope, we rake that shit up and wait for it to blow all over the place so we can do it all over again. You show me a person excited for fall and I'll show you a person who had a landscaping service raking their leaves.

This is that massive pile of shit from Jurassic Park. Virtually indistinguishable from a pile of leaves. Catch my drift?

By far the biggest problem with pumpkin spice season, beyond the branding, beyond the fall-in-August horseshit, is the fact that come September 8 (the expected release date for Starbucks' pumpkin spice latte), I will have to fight my way through hordes iPhone-wielding, eye-rolling white girls just to get a FREAKING grande decaf caramel Frappuccino. And yes, I shamelessly drink Frappuccinos because it's just a milkshake that's socially acceptable to drink before 10 am.

I hope you all enjoyed my return to greatness, fame, glory, whatever you'd like to call it, and I'll see you all right back here next week.

Footnote: