Week 24: I'm Back, Baby (Also, Pumpkin Spice)

Not gone and not forgotten. I'm not sure how all of you made it through the tail end of the summer without Cole's Complaints (I'm actually not entirely sure that all of you did) but most of us are alive and well and ready to read a series of complaints that carry absolutely no weight. Some may attribute my absence to a Bruce Wayne-esque departure to study my craft. To that, I have no comment. Others may attribute my absence to a general lack of complaints, and to that I do have one comment:

On to the good stuff. As we approach the fall season, and white girls dressed as Han Solo (see footnote) begin their slow migration from the north to the south, two words start to fill the minds, eyes, and ears of people everywhere: Pumpkin Spice. I have no problem, per se, with the actual flavor of pumpkin spice. It's not really my cup of tea, but I can see why people think it tastes good. What I have an issue with is products like this:

Now I'm not sure how familiar you are with mediocre American snack foods, but those are Pringles. Pringles are fucking potato chips. In case you fell out of bed onto your head this morning, have lived your entire life inside the dumpster that is your bedroom, or were actually born yesterday, potato chips are a salty snack that probably could not have a worse pairing than with pumpkin spice. In fact, if you ran up to me on the street and said "hey Cole, what's the last thing you'd put pumpkin spice on?" First I'd tell you to get the hell out of my face. But then if you offered me $5, I'd tell you that potato chips are probably the last thing I'd put pumpkin spice on. 

Here's another one for you. Welch's, you know, the grape juice company, came out with a sparkling pumpkin spice drink. The drink is literally called "Welch's sparkling pumpkin spice." That has nothing to do with grapes, nor can a pumpkin be juiced, so what in the actual fuck goes into this drink? I maintain that this product exists only so people can celebrate getting their first Starbucks pumpkin spice latte of the season by popping bottles of Welch's sparking pumpkin spice drink. 

This is fucking gross. And that's all I have to say about that.

The pumpkin spice craze is, without a doubt, getting out of hand. This year, General Mills came out with brand new pumpkin spice Cheerios. Don't believe me? You have no reason not to. We're one white girl in a cardigan away from pumpkin spice-scented toilet bowl cleaner. The problem, however, isn't only ridiculous branding. It's also the fact that it is September 1, very much still summer, and I'm writing a blog post about pumpkin spice. Not a single leaf has left a single tree, and basic white girls the world over are yearning for fall. And why? Fall is a season of bullshit. Fall is when the temperature goes from 85 one day to 60 the next. It's the only time I have to wear pants and a sweatshirt in the morning and then need to be wearing shorts and a t shirt in the afternoon. All the leaves fall off the trees and God forbid we leave those in our yard. Nope, we rake that shit up and wait for it to blow all over the place so we can do it all over again. You show me a person excited for fall and I'll show you a person who had a landscaping service raking their leaves.

This is that massive pile of shit from Jurassic Park. Virtually indistinguishable from a pile of leaves. Catch my drift?

By far the biggest problem with pumpkin spice season, beyond the branding, beyond the fall-in-August horseshit, is the fact that come September 8 (the expected release date for Starbucks' pumpkin spice latte), I will have to fight my way through hordes iPhone-wielding, eye-rolling white girls just to get a FREAKING grande decaf caramel Frappuccino. And yes, I shamelessly drink Frappuccinos because it's just a milkshake that's socially acceptable to drink before 10 am.

I hope you all enjoyed my return to greatness, fame, glory, whatever you'd like to call it, and I'll see you all right back here next week.

Footnote: