Week 25: Men's Hairstyles of 2016

Welcome back to another week of Cole's Complaints. It feels good to be back, doesn't it? Like all is right in the world. I don't know how many of you have stepped outside your homes this year, but for those of you that have, you may have noticed a new trend that has been evolving over the past few months. Men are now doing pretty much everything they can to look fucking ridiculous. New hairstyles, pants rolled up to the middle of their calves, and v-neck shirts are everywhere. Today, we'll focus on hairstyles. The others may come later. If you are a man with one of these hairstyles and this offends you, either get a haircut or a sense of humor.

The Man Bun: We all know the man bun. Basically what happened here is some guy on Instagram with an eight pack and pecs that would fill a c-cup bra put his long-ish hair into a bun, and girls went nuts. Then, because guys are nothing if not desperately horny, hundreds of thousands of testosterone-filled, tank top-wearing idiots under the age of 25 drove to Walmart, bought hair ties, and decided to start wearing man buns. Some people put a little more effort into it and grew their hair out before putting it into a bun, which is embarrassing but commendable nonetheless. Lots of other guys, with significant instant gratification issues, decided to tie their hair up into teensy little gumball-sized buns, which made them look like their 6-year-old sisters had just given them a makeover. Then it got worse, because this is 2016 and why the hell not. Men began shaving the sides of their heads but keeping it long enough for a man bun on the top. This had the unintended effect of making them look like they were wearing some sort of weird hat (see below). Long story short: the whole man bun thing was fine at first, but was immediately ruined, as most things are, by a bunch of pudgy males with underdeveloped prefrontal cortices trying to fit in.

Look at that weird little man bun hat

That Weird Hairstyle Where It's Shaved on the Sides and Long and Floppy on the Top: No idea what this one is really called, and I frankly don't care. It looks super weird. Guys with this hairstyle look like they had long hair, went to army boot camp long enough to get half a haircut, bitched out, and decided their hair looked good so they kept it. Then they went and bought some "mousse" (it's not gel, dammit, it's mousse) so they could achieve that perfect level of I-haven't-bathed-in-two-days greasiness, even though it's really been WEEKS since they last bathed. That's the other thing about men's hairstyles these days--why does it always look like their hair is super greasy? Is it because their hair IS super greasy? Is there something about having more grease in your hair that just makes it "flop" better when you're trying to impress Jojo from the Bachelorette? Is mousse actually just shoe polish? These are questions that need answers.

If he flipped his hair it would sling grease across the room

This shit: I was looking for more material, because with all the hipsters in the world now there are an infinite number of "what the fuck is that" hairstyles out there to choose from, and I stumbled upon this gem. This guys' hair looks like a freaking porcupine. I mean seriously, did he stick the back of his head out of the window on the highway and then just not touch his hair? The fact that this hairstyle is not being mocked all over the internet is an absolute travesty, and it pretty clearly shows how unfortunate 2016 has been. Let me just make this a little more clear: this hairstyle is REAL. A REAL PERSON is wearing this hairstyle AS WE SPEAK. This is not sonic the hedgehog, this is a human being. Everybody can just go bury their heads in the sand until 2017, because 2016 has officially gone to shit.

Bask in the poor life choices

Colin Kaepernick: Can we just talk about Colin Kaepernick for a second? And no, I don't mean all this controversy bullshit that's going on, pick a side, I don't care. We're not going to talk about that here. I'm talking about this:

Why is that 70's porn star wearing a 49ers uniform?

When the hell did this happen?! Colin Kaepernick came back for the 2016-2017 NFL season with his own built-in football helmet. It's so hard for me to take him seriously doing anything with hair like that. He looks like a 70's porn star who accidentally stumbled his way onto a football field, and nobody has figured it out yet. Isn't that the plot of Back to the Future III? Plus, have you seen what it looks like when he puts a helmet on? He somehow looks even more ridiculous. He has hair coming out of every possible hole in his helmet. I don't understand where any of this came from, and I simultaneously love it and hate it. Colin Kaepernick, you look freaking ridiculous, but don't cut it because it's priceless. Plus, you'll be casting some nice shade for everybody else riding that bench with you this season.

This has nothing to do with the rest of my post, but tomorrow is my birthday. If you need me, I will be lying in my bed blasting Taylor Swift's "22" until my ears bleed. If you'd like to make a donation for my birthday, shave your local douchebag's man bun clean off. Until next time, farewell.