Week 1: Introduction and Driving in Columbia

Welcome to Cole's Complaints. This is a safe space. My safe space. Here, I will unleash my verbal fury on the world in the form of weekly blog posts. Some of you may know that lots of things bother me. Most would consider those to be "little things." I call those little things "super annoying." I've been documenting things that bother me (not that challenging) over the past week or so, so I should have plenty of material. For example, earlier this week some girl stood way too close to me while I was waiting for a cheeseburger. She then saw me write "when people stand too close to me" on my phone. Sorry I'm not sorry. Maybe she'll learn. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy.

For week 1, we'll be talking about the never ending shitshow that is driving in Columbia, South Carolina.

Issue 1: Road quality. Have you ever thought to yourself, "hey, I wonder what this perfectly paved road would look like if it had as many craters as a greasy preteen's face?" Welcome to Columbia. There are so many potholes here. I cracked a wheel because of one. People get flat tires here all the time. I have a friend that has had 3 flat tires within the past year. The other day, I hit a pothole so hard that it set off one of my vertigo episodes. That's not a joke. If you see somebody swerving around on the road, they're probably not drunk. They're probably avoiding the Mariana Trench pothole right in front of them.

Issue 2: The trains. The freaking trains. I grew up in D.C. For those of you that don't know, D.C. is rated as the city with the worst traffic in the country year after year. Here's some proof if you don't believe me: http://fortune.com/2015/08/26/worst-traffic/. I would rather drive in D.C. than deal with the trains in Columbia. I don't know who the genius was that decided to criss-cross the most populated city in the state of South Carolina with train tracks, but I hope they received the worst haircut of their life shortly afterwards. Do you know how long trains are? Usually about a mile long. Do you know how fast they move through cities? Really fucking slow. I have waited 45 minutes behind a train before. I decided to turn around and go home. That's right. I quit that day. I decided not to do that day because of a train.

Issue 3: The people. Everybody, and I mean everybody in Columbia sucks at driving. South Carolina has the second worst drivers in the country, behind only Montana. And boy do I feel bad for the people of Montana. I don't have words for how horrible the drivers are here. I am cut off countless times every day. People run red lights like it's their job. The other day I was sitting next to this guy at a red light. Stopped. Because (brace yourselves) that's what you do at red lights. And then he just went. He consciously pressed the accelerator and drove through a solid red light. This was the middle of the day, in dense traffic. People just do what they want here. You think texting and driving is a problem? I've seen people reading the newspaper and driving. I've never felt so close to death as I have driving in Columbia. And people just don't give a shit. Oh, you drive a brand new BMW with your sorority letters on the back? How long did you have to work to pay for that yourself? You know that person doesn't care because she won't have to pay for anything that happens to her car. Maybe if she didn't have to snapchat her trip to Greek Village for brunch, she wouldn't be cutting me off.

You'll never truly know how much it sucks to drive in Columbia until you experience it yourself. But if you ever do come down here to drive, I suggest you wrap your car in pillows and bubble wrap and stay as far away from sorority letters as you can.

See you next week.