I seem to have a lot of run-ins with people whose personal space bubble extends no further than the layer of sweat coating their skin. Take the girl I mentioned at the cheeseburger place in Week 1: there I was, peacefully waiting for my 20% meat cheeseburger so I could carry on with my 20% productive day, and she feels the need to come stand about 3 inches to my right even though there's an acre of space to my left. We were the only two waiting for burgers. So I took out my phone, wrote "when people stand too close to me" in the blog topics section of my notes app (which she saw) and took two huge side steps to my left, while glaring at her.
I just don't get it. Do people not understand that their bodies take up space? I don't want to feel your hot breath down my neck or smell the deodorant that you put on 4 days ago. During this magical holiday season, personal space ceases to exist. Going shopping? So is everybody else. I went to the pharmacy the other day, and it was packed. The guy behind me in line was standing so close to me that I thought he might have been trying to steal skin samples. And don't even get me started on mistletoe. The thought of being forced to kiss somebody is vomit-inducing. Whose idea was that? Do they not know that it's flu season? Plus, mistletoe is poisonous. We might as well be kissing under the black widow's web. Nothing like being forced to share an intimate moment with a loved one (or a stranger) because of a toxic plant.
I think I produce some sort of pheromone that attracts people who have no concept of personal space. Every day is like a nightmare when you're surrounded by people who like to stand or sit too close to you. When I sit down in class and there are 5 seats on either side of me, that's not an invitation to sit next to me. In fact, it's pretty much the opposite. Evidently I need to either stop showering or start wearing a sign that says "DON'T SIT HERE YOU NEANDERTHAL" because nobody can figure that out. There needs to be at least a one seat buffer so I don't have to hear you breathe or smell your "I peaked in high school" body spray. I sit in class just praying that nobody will sit next to me that day.
The absolute worst form of personal space abuse is touching. I am not a hugger. Do I look like a hugger? I have a blog about how much I hate things. Why do people insist on hugging other people all the time. I don't want anybody's body that close to mine. I'm perfectly comfortable over here, saying hello to you at a respectable distance. Being poked is essentially being stabbed by a finger. If you poke me, and you're not in preschool, expect to have a scathing tweet written about you. Actually, preschoolers are not excluded from that. Might as well learn early. And have you ever talked to somebody who seemingly needs to maintain constant contact with you while they talk? It's like they're so used to having people run away during their boring stories that they need to make sure you're still there.
I've found that the best way to deal with these people, as with most people, is to just be very rude. Somebody sits next to you in class when you very clearly have open seats next to you? Get up and shift one seat over. Somebody stands too close to you in line? Make eye contact and step forward. Somebody touches you unnecessarily? Tell them what they've done, do it back, or tweet about them. Any of those would work. Rudeness always gets the point across.
I hope you all have a lovely Christmas/Holiday season, and please don't violate people's personal space.
