Week 2: Chubbies

Welcome back. I'm actually surprised that so many of you read last week's post. I was expecting like 10 views and a couple "screw you Cole nobody cares about your thoughts" comments. But I'm back for another week.

This week, I want to touch on an issue that's sweeping across college campuses like influenza. I want to talk about the scraps of multi-colored fabric some men like to wear, called Chubbies. Some of you may be thinking, "Cole, why are you writing about Chubbies now, in mid December?" to those people I say: screw you, write your own blog. If you're not familiar with these "shorts" they're basically girls' shorts marketed to men. The longest ones go to mid-thigh. On full grown men. Who wants to see that? I certainly don't. The first time I saw a human man wearing Chubbies, I thought he was wearing boxers. That's because Chubbies are basically boxers. They even have elastic waistbands. I can't decide if the elastic is more for ease of access (because the wearers tend to be so lazy) or to accommodate the ever-expanding beer guts of the slugs that wear them. 

The problem I have with Chubbies actually isn't the product itself so much as the frame of mind that they've cultivated. Seriously, unless you're a person who wears Chubbies (and why are you reading this blog?), have you ever seen somebody wearing these glorified underpants and thought, "hey, that guy seems like somebody I'd really like to get to know." I know I certainly haven't. Usually my line of thought is closer to, "hey, that guy looks like somebody who goes to class when it works best with his schedule. Also, he has a really punchable face." People that wear Chubbies are douchebags. It's that simple. Is that a generalization? Definitely. Is it deserved? Absolutely.

Here's another thing about Chubbies: people come up with "cute" taglines for reasons to wear them, like "sky's out thighs out." If that's the case, you should wear your lady shorts every day of the year because THE SKY IS ALWAYS OUT. That might be the dumbest slogan I've ever heard. Ok so let's say you've decided that this slogan means if it's cloudy, you shouldn't wear your Chubbies. Scientifically inaccurate, but fair enough. Then please explain this school of rainbow fish, wearing Chubbies on a cloudy day:

Sky's out thighs out? Well yes, because the sky is always out. But good luck getting any sun on your pasty white thighs. Also, little side note, why is that guy wearing an untied bow tie? That's the wardrobe equivalent of driving around with the gas cap hanging off of your car. Don't do that, you'll look like an idiot.

If you want to wander over to the Chubbies website (I don't recommend it) you'll notice that there are no pictures of young professionals wearing their colorful boxer shorts to business meetings. No, the pictures are all of slow-talking morons climbing mountains, on boats, in houses, etc. They don't have people wearing the shorts in their product pictures because that might dissuade you from actually buying them. 

Chubby season is the worst time of the year. Seeing just one overweight, pasty-white man showing off his hairy ass thighs is enough to ruin your whole week. Come late March, I'll be seeing several of those every single day. I know I'm not alone.

I hope you all enjoyed this week's installment, and I hope this is enough to make Chubbies' sales drop by like half a percent for the week.

Good night and good luck.