Week 8: People at the Gym

Now that everybody's New Year's resolutions have crashed and burned and they've accepted that they're going to be fat and lazy for another year, I've actually been able to make it into the gym. And boy was that a mistake. A college gym is a horrible, horrible place. I've broken down typical gym-goers into five groups of people, as follows:

Broulders: These people are like typical "bros," but king sized. They have arms the size of my head and heads the size of their hands. These are the people that cut their t-shirts to make them into tank tops because otherwise it's "too restrictive." Too restrictive for what? Maybe if they didn't wear a child's medium, that wouldn't be a problem. They generally struggle in school because they spend more time looking at themselves in the mirror than they do in class. They may have a photographic memory, but it's full of pictures of themselves. They generally drive giant pickup trucks. Do not try to talk to them at the gym, because they will only be able to respond with the words "whey" and "bicep."

Taking today's mental picture

Fashionistas: These people are generally women, but they can occasionally be men. They buy expensive, flashy workout clothing and loiter at they gym trying to attract attention. Occasionally they'll spend a minute or two on the elliptical before forming a bead of sweat and messing up their makeup, at which point they'll freak out and jump off. They generally pair well with broulders because they have about the same average IQ, and broulders like them because they can carry one in each arm. They go to the gym to hit on broulders, which doesn't work because broulders go to the gym to hit on themselves. They travel in packs and drive BMWs that their parents paid for. Do not try to talk to them at the gym, because they will ignore you.

Yeah you're here to work out...

Khakis Guy: That one guy who, inexplicably, is wearing khakis and a polo whilst working out. It's not as if he can't afford proper workout clothes, because what he is wearing is generally more expensive than a t-shirt and shorts. He will also probably be using one of the machines incorrectly. Drives a Toyota Camry. Do not try to talk to him at the gym, because he will say something weird.

Is that shirt moisture-wicking?

Sweaters: These people sweat. A lot. There is a real possibility that at any moment they could be having a heart attack, because there is no other reason to be sweating so profusely. They will drench their clothing, the equipment, and the floor. Do you think they wipe off the equipment when they're done greasing it up? Of course not, that would be far too sanitary. These people are also generally the ones who don't shower before leaving the gym. Hopefully they wear deodorant, but chances are they do not. Probably drive a moped so they can air-dry on the way home. Do not try to talk to them at the gym, because you will drown.

Who knew Adam Sandler was a sweater?

Slackers: Similar to fashionistas, but different in that they don't dress up. It's really a mystery why these people go to the gym at all. These are the people who go to the gym, take the elevator downstairs to get to the locker room, change, and play ping pong for 15 minutes before showering and leaving. Their average IQ tends to be higher than that of a broulder or a fashionista, but you just hope their work ethic is better in class than it is at the gym. They wonder why they haven't lost any weight after going to the gym once a month for two months. They don't own a car and expect rides to and from the gym from their "friends." Do not try to talk to them at the gym, because your productivity will drop dramatically.

That's got to be at least 700 calories burned right there

The gym may look less like a crowded nightclub now that people have given up on their New Year's resolutions, but that certainly doesn't mean it's an enjoyable place to go. If you do decide to venture into the depths of one of my many personal hells, keep a watchful eye. Farewell until next week.