Week 9: Facebook

Facebook has grown with our generation. Every few years it changes format to adapt to everyone's needs, but inevitably people complain. If you give them a few weeks, they'll get over it and carry on with their mundane lives. However, Facebook isn't what we should be complaining about. The real problem is the people that exploit Facebook and use it as a medium to show the world what they think we should care about. You know exactly who I'm talking about. Your high school friend who always posts the results of the "which baked good are you most like" quiz? Yeah, she's the worst, and not just because she's more like a key lime pie than a brownie.

The Food Videos: Facebook is now overrun with videos of food. Don't get me wrong, I love food. What I do not love is seeing 30 videos per day of a stranger's hands mixing ingredients together to make avocado-stuffed french toast. Okay, person on my timeline who barely made it through high school. You mean to tell me that you're going to attempt this recipe based on a 30 second video that doesn't even tell you how much of each ingredient to add? Enjoy your shit-toast, I'm going to be over here eating my toaster waffles and some scrambled eggs. And it's always shared with the same tagline: "@(insert that person's friend's name here) we should totally make this!" Guarantee that never gets made. You don't have the resources or the expertise to make twice-fried soy flax ice cream balls, no matter how "tasty" they may look on Facebook. If you do attempt to make them, however, I'd love to see a video of the grease fire. Don't try to put that out with water, by the way.

Cheese stuffed gluten-free quinoa balls?  

Political Posts: I hate campaign season. When there are no candidates running for president, if somebody makes a politically-fueled Facebook post (no matter which side, I can't stand it either way) I just unfriend them. The problem is that during campaign season, it's everybody. Here's the scenario: someone makes a Facebook post explaining Donald Trump's platform in barely legible English. Then, after that person is done explaining why Donald Trump is going to rule the world, every Bernie Sanders supporter on the planet feels compelled to comment on the post explaining why Donald Trump is wrong and why Bernie Sanders wants everyone to wear hemp underwear. This creates a chain of 30 or more comments. Why does this bother me if I'm not involved, you may ask? Seeing somebody post about how they want to kick everybody out of the country or force you to wear grass undergarments just has a way of making you hate them. Here's an idea: let's keep our thoughts to ourselves, shall we? If you like Donald Trump, fine. Nobody on Facebook gives a shit. If you like Bernie Sanders, fine, Nobody on Facebook gives a shit. If you do like these candidates, or any other candidate for that matter, and you'd like to debate about it, create a private group and keep it the hell off my timeline.

Why don't we just elect me president?

Memes: For those of you that don't know what a meme is, count your blessings. Memes are the dumb pictures that have words at the top and the bottom. I've attached one below so you know what I'm talking about. These have spread on Facebook like chlamydia around a college campus. People share them from other pages for no reason other than to rack up likes because they need some validation in their lives. Not only is it sad, it's annoying as hell. These pictures are NOT funny, and it's always the same people who share them. I hope those two likes made you feel better about yourself, pal, but your mom and grandma hardly count. All these pictures do is pointlessly crowd everyone's timeline.

Because everybody wants to know about your extra mcnugget

The only reason that I still have Facebook is so I can send out my blog (you're welcome) and marvel at some of the stupid choices people make. If we could clear all of this out of Facebook, it would be full of pictures and posts that users make in effort to keep in touch with other people. That, at the very least, is tolerable. I can live with tolerable.

I hope you all enjoyed this week's post. Be sure to tune in next week.