Week 19: Hipsters

Hipsters are native to Portland, Oregon. They are also, however, an invasive species that have spread across this entire godforsaken country to open deconstructed soup restaurants and ride giant, impractical bicycles. The hipster mentality, as I'll call it, is a pandemic. All across these United States we have mustache-wearing idiots who think they're better than everybody else. Here are the four main reasons that hipsters suck.

Their music: One of the most common stereotypes about hipsters is that they listen to obscure music, and they won't share it with anybody else. "I love this band, but you've probably never heard of them" is a commonly uttered phrase in organic vegan wine tastings across the country. You know what you call a band that nobody's ever heard of? A band that is bad at playing music. Even better are the wannabe hipsters that talk about bands that everybody has heard of. "I love this song, but you probably haven't heard it." Oh, you mean Roses by the Chainsmokers? Yeah that's been on the radio for like a year you pretentious fuck.

This is a band called Ice Age. Haven't heard of them? Don't bother looking them up

Their food: Do you like tacos? Great, then I'm sure you'd love to try tacos served in a shoe. What about pizza, do you like pizza? I'm sure you'd also like this pizza that's made on a bunch of crushed up, organic saltines instead of a regular crust. That's how hipsters view food. Why have a regular lasagna when instead you can get all of the ingredients served on different plates in front of you, in deconstructed form? Not only do you get to eat it, but you get to build it! It's almost like you could've done it at home for way less money. It's actually probably a good thing that hipsters eat at all, because it gives the rest of us a break from the incessant stream of bullshit that comes out of their mouths.

This is some sort of food served in a glass, that I stole from Buzzfeed. Serve food on plates

Their modes of transportation: Everybody is familiar with the stereotype about hipsters using old fashioned bikes with the huge wheel in front and the tiny wheel in back. "Hey Cole, what's the most ridiculous part about this stereotype?" Great question, valued reader. I'll tell you. The most ridiculous part about this stereotype is that there are actually a lot of hipsters who use these bicycles. Where the hell do they get them? How do you ride one? Can they hear people making fun of them when they ride one? Beyond these bicycles, hipsters have some other absurd modes of transportation. Roller skates, for example. That way, not only can you get where you need to go quickly, but you can look absolutely ridiculous once you get there! A vintage moped is another one. Why purchase a new, reliable moped when you can spend way more on a slower, worse looking, far less reliable version.

What happens when you encounter a hill?

The way they talk: Hipsters have an air of self-importance that they will proudly discuss with anybody, regardless of whether their victim is willing or not. The problem is that hipsters have no reason to think they're better than other people. They have no money. They eat weird food. They smell strange because they shower with tofu soap (every three days, to conserve water). They listen to bad music. They can't get anywhere quickly because their inefficient, 150-year-old bike is always breaking down. Despite all this, they act like they're King Henry VIII and you're his sixth wife. They're the losers in life, and it's absolutely infuriating that they don't recognize that.

This is King Henry VIII. He killed a lot of people

All I can do is pray that this is a passing fad, and that the next one isn't as painful. In the meantime, shave your mustaches and buy normal freaking bicycles, people. We can get through this together. I'll see you all next week.

Week 18: Construction

Every few months, a different part of this godforsaken campus transforms into a war zone of hard hats and bulldozers as they break ground on a new "improvement." The problem with these improvements is that they take years to complete, and they're a major inconvenience in the meantime. How much of an inconvenience? Imagine that you have a really nice house with a front door, a back door, and a really, really inconvenient door in the basement that you never ever use. Now imagine that somebody takes a bunch of backhoes and bulldozers and digs giant 30-foot pits in front of the front and back doors and then puts giant signs up that say "haha fuck you man" in front of your house, so you have to use the inconvenient door. Yeah that's pretty much what's happening in front of our library right now. Here's why construction sucks:

It takes forever: The construction never ends. The school is all about continuous improvement, which is fine I guess, but we'll never get to reap the benefits while we're here. I'm sure that the new student health center will look great when I come back to visit in 10 years, but walking around the construction every day until I graduate is going to be a real pain in the ass. Plus, I visit the health center just as much as anybody (vertigo episodes, hearing loss, back pain, countless prescriptions, the list goes on) and it doesn't need any improvement. You know what needs improvement? The shitty dorm I lived in freshman year. The horrible food. The class registration system. You know what none of those require? Massive construction projects that take forever and get in everybody's way.

This is where I lived freshman year. It was a shithole

It's loud: The other day I was in the library. If you're not familiar with libraries, they're places you can go to study because, generally, they're quiet. I was sitting there working on something important, like that day's clever tweet, when all of a sudden the entire building erupted in a loud grinding noise. I'm not sure if they were digging a new basement or blowing off the roof, but needless to say this noise was not conducive to studying. Construction, by nature, is super loud and obnoxious. If it's outside, it's not great but it could be worse. If it's inside, it'll sound like John Cena screaming his own name while firing a cannon at a wall made of air horns. Brace yourself.

He's about as big as a bulldozer too

It causes traffic: Construction causes a ridiculous amount of traffic, be it foot traffic or road traffic. All the construction around campus means that people have to walk in very specific routes to get to their classes. This means that the slow walkers get in everyone's way and make everybody late to class. They'll walk three across, as per usual, but the narrow pathways mean that I can't pass the three stooges and get where I need to go on time. It also closes roads that we use all the time. The other day I was trying to take a left onto one of the busiest roads in Columbia, and there was a guy in an orange vest and a hard hat standing there shaking his head and looking at me as if I were the moron in the situation. Right, because why would I have any reason to believe that I could take the same left that I take every day?

Columbia during "campus improvement"

The absolute worst part about the construction is that there's no way to avoid it. Every single year, they finish a construction project and start another one. All they can say to the tour groups, when they're looking at giant mounds of dirt, is "imagine how nice this will look in 5 years." It's awful. It's a never ending cycle of Hell on campus. 

I hope you all enjoyed this week's post. I'll see you all right back here next week for yet another complaint.

Week 17: Bars

A crowded bar is a vegan short of being my worst nightmare. There are very few reasons for me to stand shoulder to shoulder with a bunch of people I don't know, and paying money for shitty beer is certainly not one of them. Bars are dark, sweaty, loud places where sophistication goes to die. Here are some reasons why I hate bars, and why you should too:

They're disgusting: Have you ever walked into a bar with the lights on? It's like the day you look in the mirror and finally see the 10 pounds that everybody else has been talking about. If the floor isn't sticky, it's wet. Some of the bathrooms don't have sinks, but if they do it's being used as a toilet. Looking for a trash can? It'll be there, but it'll be chock full of vomit. I don't know what it is about drunk people and their overwhelming desire to destroy things, but boy have bars taken a hit. I'm surprised that half of these places are still standing. The floors are covered in years upon years of urine and vomit. Prisons keep cleaner facilities, because they actually have laws they need to follow for humane treatment of their patrons. You know, criminals. So the next time you go to the bar and drop your wallet in a pile of vomit, don't bother going to the bathroom to wash your hands. You'd be better off just going home.

Yelp review: Cleanest bathrooms in all of Hell

The people are awful: I feel like I could just put this headline here and leave it with no explanation. Pretty much everybody at a bar sucks. I mean, sure, if you go with a group of friends you're probably going to like at least one of them, but that's it. You have people that are far too drunk and passed out in the corner, people throwing shit at other people, guys trying to fight other guys, girls trying to fight other girls, people shoving their way past you without apologizing... I could go on and on. You also have girls asking everybody in the bar to buy them a drink. Um, no. Does it look like I want to pay three dollars for a drink that you get to enjoy? Plus, if your wallet is really that empty, shouldn't you be asking for something more practical, like a sandwich? The thing that astounds me the most about this is that these are the people who we all associate with on a regular basis. Yet when they go downtown, they all turn into inexorable douche bags. Oh hey, Brian from my marketing class. I just saw you this morning, but now you're wearing an Ed Hardy shirt and throwing punches at cops. I can't wait to see what happens to the belligerent drunks when they get hired by a company and try to start fights at the office Christmas party. Ah, college.

Hey look it's Brian from marketing

The crowds: The only thing worse than an empty bar with the lights on is a crowded bar with the lights off. If I wanted to be thrown into a room with a bunch of sweaty strangers, I would've wrestled in high school. I don't need anybody else's body pressed up against mine. Sure, I have a much larger personal space bubble than most other people, but I think it's acceptable for me to want to breathe fresh air instead of the near-toxic fumes coming off of somebody else's sweat-drenched shirt. Plus, I'm a relatively small guy. This does not lend itself to moving through crowds, especially when some drunk slug is in front of me and thinks the phrase "excuse me" translates to "stand here and look like a neanderthal." Crowded bars are like preschools, if all the preschoolers were 6 feet tall and deaf.

Real live image of Hell on earth

I'm sure most of you will still end up going out this weekend, but maybe this has been your moment of enlightenment. If you do go out, just remember to rinse in purell when you get back and maybe avoid hitting cops. I hope you all enjoyed this week's post. See you all next week.

Week 16: Guys

Guys suck. I've been saying it for years and I'll continue to say it until the day I die. They'll text you with smiley faces to get you "interested in them" and they'll think you're flirting if you sit next to them in class. They're dumb, overly confident, testosterone-packed animals. Those of us who are a little more self-aware are able to reign it in and function in society like normal human beings. We're significantly outnumbered, however, especially in this human zoo people call "college." I've summed up the 3 main reasons (plus some bonuses) that guys suck, though I could go on for days.

The flirty texts: They will text you, and the texts will have emojis. Do you have a boyfriend? Do you think that means you're off limits? You're wrong. That makes you a magnet for guys. They're scumbags, and they don't care if you're single or if you've been dating someone for three years. They will pursue you more intently than that squirrel from Ice Age pursues his acorn. Do you like John Mayer? What a coincidence, John Mayer is his favorite singer. Do you like going to the gym? No way, he's a total gym rat. Do you like poetry? You guys are perfect for each other, because he just happens to write shitty poetry. Get the point? Guys will do anything to pique your interest, and if you believe that frat-boy Joe has a passion for poetry, you might just deserve it.

This guy probably thought he still had a shot

Anytime alcohol is involved: For some reason, guys tend to think that alcohol is a magic potion that allows them to act like total douche bags without having to deal with any consequences. As many of them will figure out in the back of a police car, on the receiving end of a fist, or passed out in the bushes somewhere, this is not the case. One of the reasons I dislike going downtown here--and do it so infrequently--is because of all the halfwits doing everything they can to get a girl to talk to them. Here's an idea: be an interesting person who can hold a conversation. If you lead with "haha, I totally failed my exam today" that person is not going to want to talk to you because, regardless of what your buddies say, it's not actually cool to do poorly in school. Just because you're at a bar does not automatically mean that people are going to want to talk to you. Trust me, if you have the type of personality that I assume you do, it's going to take a lot more than a drink or two to get past it.

Couldn't tell you about the current political landscape, but could bench press a cow

At the gym: I did a whole blog post on this, so you all understand my feelings towards people at the gym. The thing I don't understand is why people, especially men, go to the gym in hopes of picking up women. Are you hoping that she'll see how much protein you can drink in a 24 hour period and just not be able to help herself? Is the sound of weights dropping on the floor some sort of primitive, ineffective mating call I'm not familiar with? The gym is a place where people (if you're doing it right) smell bad, leave drenched in sweat, and don't get dressed up. If you want to make a feeble attempt at picking up women, go home, take a shower, and do so in an appropriate setting.

"Hey girl, I eat 3,500 calories a day during bulking season, so you'll be buying dinner"

Miscellaneous: Here's a list of ridiculous things guys do and my reactions to them.

• Calling each other bro. Look in the mirror. Are you Tony Hawk? No? Then don't call anybody "bro."
• Sending dick pics. I can assure you that the last thing any woman wants to receive is an unsolicited photograph of your genitalia. Please refrain from sending such photos to anybody.
• Catcalling: When, in the history of ever, has yelling objectifying remarks at women actually gotten anybody a date? Oh, never? It's offensive, it makes the rest of us look bad, and nobody should ever be afraid to walk down the street.
• Bragging about your sex life: If you feel like you need to brag, I have no reason to believe that what you're saying is true.
• Man buns: This is a deeply seeded social issue that needs to be addressed. I can see why men with long hair wear it in a bun sometimes; it needs to be kept out of their eyes. What is not okay, however, are these other losers (usually the same people who say bro, send dick pics, catcall, and brag about their sex lives) who wear tiny, tiny man buns just because they heard that girls might be kind of into them. Have an original thought you clowns.

Guy with man bun or little girl from Despicable Me?

I think I've provided all of you with unequivocal proof that males need to be stopped. They send flirty texts to anybody nice enough to not block their number, they can't handle themselves around alcohol, they don't understand appropriate flirting locations, and they send people pictures of their junk. They are undoubtedly the worst. 

I hope you all (even the men in the room) enjoyed this week's post. See you all next week.