Week 16: Guys

Guys suck. I've been saying it for years and I'll continue to say it until the day I die. They'll text you with smiley faces to get you "interested in them" and they'll think you're flirting if you sit next to them in class. They're dumb, overly confident, testosterone-packed animals. Those of us who are a little more self-aware are able to reign it in and function in society like normal human beings. We're significantly outnumbered, however, especially in this human zoo people call "college." I've summed up the 3 main reasons (plus some bonuses) that guys suck, though I could go on for days.

The flirty texts: They will text you, and the texts will have emojis. Do you have a boyfriend? Do you think that means you're off limits? You're wrong. That makes you a magnet for guys. They're scumbags, and they don't care if you're single or if you've been dating someone for three years. They will pursue you more intently than that squirrel from Ice Age pursues his acorn. Do you like John Mayer? What a coincidence, John Mayer is his favorite singer. Do you like going to the gym? No way, he's a total gym rat. Do you like poetry? You guys are perfect for each other, because he just happens to write shitty poetry. Get the point? Guys will do anything to pique your interest, and if you believe that frat-boy Joe has a passion for poetry, you might just deserve it.

This guy probably thought he still had a shot

Anytime alcohol is involved: For some reason, guys tend to think that alcohol is a magic potion that allows them to act like total douche bags without having to deal with any consequences. As many of them will figure out in the back of a police car, on the receiving end of a fist, or passed out in the bushes somewhere, this is not the case. One of the reasons I dislike going downtown here--and do it so infrequently--is because of all the halfwits doing everything they can to get a girl to talk to them. Here's an idea: be an interesting person who can hold a conversation. If you lead with "haha, I totally failed my exam today" that person is not going to want to talk to you because, regardless of what your buddies say, it's not actually cool to do poorly in school. Just because you're at a bar does not automatically mean that people are going to want to talk to you. Trust me, if you have the type of personality that I assume you do, it's going to take a lot more than a drink or two to get past it.

Couldn't tell you about the current political landscape, but could bench press a cow

At the gym: I did a whole blog post on this, so you all understand my feelings towards people at the gym. The thing I don't understand is why people, especially men, go to the gym in hopes of picking up women. Are you hoping that she'll see how much protein you can drink in a 24 hour period and just not be able to help herself? Is the sound of weights dropping on the floor some sort of primitive, ineffective mating call I'm not familiar with? The gym is a place where people (if you're doing it right) smell bad, leave drenched in sweat, and don't get dressed up. If you want to make a feeble attempt at picking up women, go home, take a shower, and do so in an appropriate setting.

"Hey girl, I eat 3,500 calories a day during bulking season, so you'll be buying dinner"

Miscellaneous: Here's a list of ridiculous things guys do and my reactions to them.

• Calling each other bro. Look in the mirror. Are you Tony Hawk? No? Then don't call anybody "bro."
• Sending dick pics. I can assure you that the last thing any woman wants to receive is an unsolicited photograph of your genitalia. Please refrain from sending such photos to anybody.
• Catcalling: When, in the history of ever, has yelling objectifying remarks at women actually gotten anybody a date? Oh, never? It's offensive, it makes the rest of us look bad, and nobody should ever be afraid to walk down the street.
• Bragging about your sex life: If you feel like you need to brag, I have no reason to believe that what you're saying is true.
• Man buns: This is a deeply seeded social issue that needs to be addressed. I can see why men with long hair wear it in a bun sometimes; it needs to be kept out of their eyes. What is not okay, however, are these other losers (usually the same people who say bro, send dick pics, catcall, and brag about their sex lives) who wear tiny, tiny man buns just because they heard that girls might be kind of into them. Have an original thought you clowns.

Guy with man bun or little girl from Despicable Me?

I think I've provided all of you with unequivocal proof that males need to be stopped. They send flirty texts to anybody nice enough to not block their number, they can't handle themselves around alcohol, they don't understand appropriate flirting locations, and they send people pictures of their junk. They are undoubtedly the worst. 

I hope you all (even the men in the room) enjoyed this week's post. See you all next week.