Week 19: Hipsters

Hipsters are native to Portland, Oregon. They are also, however, an invasive species that have spread across this entire godforsaken country to open deconstructed soup restaurants and ride giant, impractical bicycles. The hipster mentality, as I'll call it, is a pandemic. All across these United States we have mustache-wearing idiots who think they're better than everybody else. Here are the four main reasons that hipsters suck.

Their music: One of the most common stereotypes about hipsters is that they listen to obscure music, and they won't share it with anybody else. "I love this band, but you've probably never heard of them" is a commonly uttered phrase in organic vegan wine tastings across the country. You know what you call a band that nobody's ever heard of? A band that is bad at playing music. Even better are the wannabe hipsters that talk about bands that everybody has heard of. "I love this song, but you probably haven't heard it." Oh, you mean Roses by the Chainsmokers? Yeah that's been on the radio for like a year you pretentious fuck.

This is a band called Ice Age. Haven't heard of them? Don't bother looking them up

Their food: Do you like tacos? Great, then I'm sure you'd love to try tacos served in a shoe. What about pizza, do you like pizza? I'm sure you'd also like this pizza that's made on a bunch of crushed up, organic saltines instead of a regular crust. That's how hipsters view food. Why have a regular lasagna when instead you can get all of the ingredients served on different plates in front of you, in deconstructed form? Not only do you get to eat it, but you get to build it! It's almost like you could've done it at home for way less money. It's actually probably a good thing that hipsters eat at all, because it gives the rest of us a break from the incessant stream of bullshit that comes out of their mouths.

This is some sort of food served in a glass, that I stole from Buzzfeed. Serve food on plates

Their modes of transportation: Everybody is familiar with the stereotype about hipsters using old fashioned bikes with the huge wheel in front and the tiny wheel in back. "Hey Cole, what's the most ridiculous part about this stereotype?" Great question, valued reader. I'll tell you. The most ridiculous part about this stereotype is that there are actually a lot of hipsters who use these bicycles. Where the hell do they get them? How do you ride one? Can they hear people making fun of them when they ride one? Beyond these bicycles, hipsters have some other absurd modes of transportation. Roller skates, for example. That way, not only can you get where you need to go quickly, but you can look absolutely ridiculous once you get there! A vintage moped is another one. Why purchase a new, reliable moped when you can spend way more on a slower, worse looking, far less reliable version.

What happens when you encounter a hill?

The way they talk: Hipsters have an air of self-importance that they will proudly discuss with anybody, regardless of whether their victim is willing or not. The problem is that hipsters have no reason to think they're better than other people. They have no money. They eat weird food. They smell strange because they shower with tofu soap (every three days, to conserve water). They listen to bad music. They can't get anywhere quickly because their inefficient, 150-year-old bike is always breaking down. Despite all this, they act like they're King Henry VIII and you're his sixth wife. They're the losers in life, and it's absolutely infuriating that they don't recognize that.

This is King Henry VIII. He killed a lot of people

All I can do is pray that this is a passing fad, and that the next one isn't as painful. In the meantime, shave your mustaches and buy normal freaking bicycles, people. We can get through this together. I'll see you all next week.