Week 17: Bars

A crowded bar is a vegan short of being my worst nightmare. There are very few reasons for me to stand shoulder to shoulder with a bunch of people I don't know, and paying money for shitty beer is certainly not one of them. Bars are dark, sweaty, loud places where sophistication goes to die. Here are some reasons why I hate bars, and why you should too:

They're disgusting: Have you ever walked into a bar with the lights on? It's like the day you look in the mirror and finally see the 10 pounds that everybody else has been talking about. If the floor isn't sticky, it's wet. Some of the bathrooms don't have sinks, but if they do it's being used as a toilet. Looking for a trash can? It'll be there, but it'll be chock full of vomit. I don't know what it is about drunk people and their overwhelming desire to destroy things, but boy have bars taken a hit. I'm surprised that half of these places are still standing. The floors are covered in years upon years of urine and vomit. Prisons keep cleaner facilities, because they actually have laws they need to follow for humane treatment of their patrons. You know, criminals. So the next time you go to the bar and drop your wallet in a pile of vomit, don't bother going to the bathroom to wash your hands. You'd be better off just going home.

Yelp review: Cleanest bathrooms in all of Hell

The people are awful: I feel like I could just put this headline here and leave it with no explanation. Pretty much everybody at a bar sucks. I mean, sure, if you go with a group of friends you're probably going to like at least one of them, but that's it. You have people that are far too drunk and passed out in the corner, people throwing shit at other people, guys trying to fight other guys, girls trying to fight other girls, people shoving their way past you without apologizing... I could go on and on. You also have girls asking everybody in the bar to buy them a drink. Um, no. Does it look like I want to pay three dollars for a drink that you get to enjoy? Plus, if your wallet is really that empty, shouldn't you be asking for something more practical, like a sandwich? The thing that astounds me the most about this is that these are the people who we all associate with on a regular basis. Yet when they go downtown, they all turn into inexorable douche bags. Oh hey, Brian from my marketing class. I just saw you this morning, but now you're wearing an Ed Hardy shirt and throwing punches at cops. I can't wait to see what happens to the belligerent drunks when they get hired by a company and try to start fights at the office Christmas party. Ah, college.

Hey look it's Brian from marketing

The crowds: The only thing worse than an empty bar with the lights on is a crowded bar with the lights off. If I wanted to be thrown into a room with a bunch of sweaty strangers, I would've wrestled in high school. I don't need anybody else's body pressed up against mine. Sure, I have a much larger personal space bubble than most other people, but I think it's acceptable for me to want to breathe fresh air instead of the near-toxic fumes coming off of somebody else's sweat-drenched shirt. Plus, I'm a relatively small guy. This does not lend itself to moving through crowds, especially when some drunk slug is in front of me and thinks the phrase "excuse me" translates to "stand here and look like a neanderthal." Crowded bars are like preschools, if all the preschoolers were 6 feet tall and deaf.

Real live image of Hell on earth

I'm sure most of you will still end up going out this weekend, but maybe this has been your moment of enlightenment. If you do go out, just remember to rinse in purell when you get back and maybe avoid hitting cops. I hope you all enjoyed this week's post. See you all next week.