Week 11: Slow Walkers

This is it. The crown jewel. The reason this blog exists, for many of you. This is the original complaint, the reason I'm a crotchety old man trapped inside a 21 year old's body. This is why I grumble, why I seemingly always have a furrowed brow, and why I'm always in a bad mood. The reason? Completely self-unaware people that my 87 year-old grandmother would dominate in a footrace. Slow walkers.

There are four basic problems we face with slow walkers. As I move through them, I want you all to reflect on your walking habits and please, please ensure you don't commit any of these sins. Do whatever it takes (more cardio maybe?) but please don't be a slow walker.

Walking slowly: This one seems obvious. "Oh, slow walkers walk slowly? No shit, Cole." Yeah, well, you'd think if it were really so obvious then half the freaking population wouldn't do it. There is nothing more aggravating than walking at a normal human pace and having to come to a grinding halt when you nearly run into the back of snail-pace Samantha. It must take her longer to get to class than it took for Leonardo DiCaprio to win an Oscar. These people are so self-unaware that they don't even notice it when I cut around them on the grass while audibly questioning how I got to this place in my life. I would rather shove toothpicks under my toenails and kick a wall than be forced to walk behind them for 10 minutes.

Damn girl are you a sloth? Because you move really slowly and I need to get around you to get to class

— Cole Kynoch (@colekynoch) September 1, 2015

^Every day of my life

Walking in groups: I don't care if you have friends. I'd prefer if you didn't, but in the grand scheme of things there's really not much I can do about it. But please, for the love of God, don't walk with your friends. When you walk with your friends, not only do you screech about things nobody cares about (O.M.G. did you hear that Jeremy and Hannah totes hooked up last night?), but you walk slowly and block the entire walkway. This eliminates the option of passing you respectfully. Nope, this means I have to shove my way past you, and you'll definitely hear my complaints because they won't be grumbles. You will be tweeted about. If you want to walk with your friends, walk in packs of two. Still super annoying, but manageable. Alternately, move a little faster than an ant with no legs. Maybe then we won't have a problem.

But only if it targets people who walk in groups

Not moving out of the way: Look, if you and I are both walking down the sidewalk towards each other, and I'm walking on my right and you're walking on your left, you have to move out of the way. You walk down the sidewalk like you drive down the road: always on your right. It's really not that challenging. I'm not going to run into you if you're walking down my side of the sidewalk, however, because then I would be forced to interact with you. Additionally, I'll be the true winner knowing I'm the one who's actually a functioning member of society.

Self explanatory if you're not a moron

Standing in the walkway: Here's a helpful hint: don't stand in the middle of the sidewalk. If you so desperately need to have a conversation with your friends, tie your shoe, text your drug dealer, call your grandma, or ponder life, either get off the sidewalk or keep on moving. Short of collapsing from a heart attack (in which case, good on you for walking fast enough to have a heart attack), there is no reason to impede the flow of foot traffic by stopping. Winded from that exhausting 200 yard hike you just took from one class to the next? Great, how about instead of causing a societal collapse, you move off to the side to catch your breath, champ.

This is what happens when you impede the flow of foot traffic

Slow walkers are the worst. There's absolutely no question about that. They're completely self-unaware, useless members of society who would be better off staying home than going about their daily routine. All they really do is impede the progress of productive people who know how to walk. You'd think people who have had at least 18 years of practice, ergo everybody on this campus, would be a little bit better at walking. Similar to the "erasing bad 6th grade habits" class I suggested in week four, I think every university should consider a class on how to navigate the scary, scary sidewalks of the real world. Heaven knows people could use it. I should really just write the curriculum for first-year students.

Thanks for tuning in this week to listen to yet another rant. See you all next week.