Week 25: Men's Hairstyles of 2016

Welcome back to another week of Cole's Complaints. It feels good to be back, doesn't it? Like all is right in the world. I don't know how many of you have stepped outside your homes this year, but for those of you that have, you may have noticed a new trend that has been evolving over the past few months. Men are now doing pretty much everything they can to look fucking ridiculous. New hairstyles, pants rolled up to the middle of their calves, and v-neck shirts are everywhere. Today, we'll focus on hairstyles. The others may come later. If you are a man with one of these hairstyles and this offends you, either get a haircut or a sense of humor.

The Man Bun: We all know the man bun. Basically what happened here is some guy on Instagram with an eight pack and pecs that would fill a c-cup bra put his long-ish hair into a bun, and girls went nuts. Then, because guys are nothing if not desperately horny, hundreds of thousands of testosterone-filled, tank top-wearing idiots under the age of 25 drove to Walmart, bought hair ties, and decided to start wearing man buns. Some people put a little more effort into it and grew their hair out before putting it into a bun, which is embarrassing but commendable nonetheless. Lots of other guys, with significant instant gratification issues, decided to tie their hair up into teensy little gumball-sized buns, which made them look like their 6-year-old sisters had just given them a makeover. Then it got worse, because this is 2016 and why the hell not. Men began shaving the sides of their heads but keeping it long enough for a man bun on the top. This had the unintended effect of making them look like they were wearing some sort of weird hat (see below). Long story short: the whole man bun thing was fine at first, but was immediately ruined, as most things are, by a bunch of pudgy males with underdeveloped prefrontal cortices trying to fit in.

Look at that weird little man bun hat

That Weird Hairstyle Where It's Shaved on the Sides and Long and Floppy on the Top: No idea what this one is really called, and I frankly don't care. It looks super weird. Guys with this hairstyle look like they had long hair, went to army boot camp long enough to get half a haircut, bitched out, and decided their hair looked good so they kept it. Then they went and bought some "mousse" (it's not gel, dammit, it's mousse) so they could achieve that perfect level of I-haven't-bathed-in-two-days greasiness, even though it's really been WEEKS since they last bathed. That's the other thing about men's hairstyles these days--why does it always look like their hair is super greasy? Is it because their hair IS super greasy? Is there something about having more grease in your hair that just makes it "flop" better when you're trying to impress Jojo from the Bachelorette? Is mousse actually just shoe polish? These are questions that need answers.

If he flipped his hair it would sling grease across the room

This shit: I was looking for more material, because with all the hipsters in the world now there are an infinite number of "what the fuck is that" hairstyles out there to choose from, and I stumbled upon this gem. This guys' hair looks like a freaking porcupine. I mean seriously, did he stick the back of his head out of the window on the highway and then just not touch his hair? The fact that this hairstyle is not being mocked all over the internet is an absolute travesty, and it pretty clearly shows how unfortunate 2016 has been. Let me just make this a little more clear: this hairstyle is REAL. A REAL PERSON is wearing this hairstyle AS WE SPEAK. This is not sonic the hedgehog, this is a human being. Everybody can just go bury their heads in the sand until 2017, because 2016 has officially gone to shit.

Bask in the poor life choices

Colin Kaepernick: Can we just talk about Colin Kaepernick for a second? And no, I don't mean all this controversy bullshit that's going on, pick a side, I don't care. We're not going to talk about that here. I'm talking about this:

Why is that 70's porn star wearing a 49ers uniform?

When the hell did this happen?! Colin Kaepernick came back for the 2016-2017 NFL season with his own built-in football helmet. It's so hard for me to take him seriously doing anything with hair like that. He looks like a 70's porn star who accidentally stumbled his way onto a football field, and nobody has figured it out yet. Isn't that the plot of Back to the Future III? Plus, have you seen what it looks like when he puts a helmet on? He somehow looks even more ridiculous. He has hair coming out of every possible hole in his helmet. I don't understand where any of this came from, and I simultaneously love it and hate it. Colin Kaepernick, you look freaking ridiculous, but don't cut it because it's priceless. Plus, you'll be casting some nice shade for everybody else riding that bench with you this season.

This has nothing to do with the rest of my post, but tomorrow is my birthday. If you need me, I will be lying in my bed blasting Taylor Swift's "22" until my ears bleed. If you'd like to make a donation for my birthday, shave your local douchebag's man bun clean off. Until next time, farewell.

Week 24: I'm Back, Baby (Also, Pumpkin Spice)

Not gone and not forgotten. I'm not sure how all of you made it through the tail end of the summer without Cole's Complaints (I'm actually not entirely sure that all of you did) but most of us are alive and well and ready to read a series of complaints that carry absolutely no weight. Some may attribute my absence to a Bruce Wayne-esque departure to study my craft. To that, I have no comment. Others may attribute my absence to a general lack of complaints, and to that I do have one comment:

On to the good stuff. As we approach the fall season, and white girls dressed as Han Solo (see footnote) begin their slow migration from the north to the south, two words start to fill the minds, eyes, and ears of people everywhere: Pumpkin Spice. I have no problem, per se, with the actual flavor of pumpkin spice. It's not really my cup of tea, but I can see why people think it tastes good. What I have an issue with is products like this:

Now I'm not sure how familiar you are with mediocre American snack foods, but those are Pringles. Pringles are fucking potato chips. In case you fell out of bed onto your head this morning, have lived your entire life inside the dumpster that is your bedroom, or were actually born yesterday, potato chips are a salty snack that probably could not have a worse pairing than with pumpkin spice. In fact, if you ran up to me on the street and said "hey Cole, what's the last thing you'd put pumpkin spice on?" First I'd tell you to get the hell out of my face. But then if you offered me $5, I'd tell you that potato chips are probably the last thing I'd put pumpkin spice on. 

Here's another one for you. Welch's, you know, the grape juice company, came out with a sparkling pumpkin spice drink. The drink is literally called "Welch's sparkling pumpkin spice." That has nothing to do with grapes, nor can a pumpkin be juiced, so what in the actual fuck goes into this drink? I maintain that this product exists only so people can celebrate getting their first Starbucks pumpkin spice latte of the season by popping bottles of Welch's sparking pumpkin spice drink. 

This is fucking gross. And that's all I have to say about that.

The pumpkin spice craze is, without a doubt, getting out of hand. This year, General Mills came out with brand new pumpkin spice Cheerios. Don't believe me? You have no reason not to. We're one white girl in a cardigan away from pumpkin spice-scented toilet bowl cleaner. The problem, however, isn't only ridiculous branding. It's also the fact that it is September 1, very much still summer, and I'm writing a blog post about pumpkin spice. Not a single leaf has left a single tree, and basic white girls the world over are yearning for fall. And why? Fall is a season of bullshit. Fall is when the temperature goes from 85 one day to 60 the next. It's the only time I have to wear pants and a sweatshirt in the morning and then need to be wearing shorts and a t shirt in the afternoon. All the leaves fall off the trees and God forbid we leave those in our yard. Nope, we rake that shit up and wait for it to blow all over the place so we can do it all over again. You show me a person excited for fall and I'll show you a person who had a landscaping service raking their leaves.

This is that massive pile of shit from Jurassic Park. Virtually indistinguishable from a pile of leaves. Catch my drift?

By far the biggest problem with pumpkin spice season, beyond the branding, beyond the fall-in-August horseshit, is the fact that come September 8 (the expected release date for Starbucks' pumpkin spice latte), I will have to fight my way through hordes iPhone-wielding, eye-rolling white girls just to get a FREAKING grande decaf caramel Frappuccino. And yes, I shamelessly drink Frappuccinos because it's just a milkshake that's socially acceptable to drink before 10 am.

I hope you all enjoyed my return to greatness, fame, glory, whatever you'd like to call it, and I'll see you all right back here next week.

Footnote:

Week 23: Things I Don't Like

This is a list of things I don't like. Yup, that's my post this week. Enjoy:

1. Long boards

2. People who use long boards

3. People who use long boards and also have man buns

4. People wearing man buns at the gym

5. Man buns

6. That stupid haircut that's shaved on the sides and long on the top (like a damaged mop)

7. Tank tops (for men)

8. Douchebags in tank tops

9. People who serenade girls with guitars

10. People who serenade girls with their voices

11. Sailboats

12. Horse carriages

13. That stupid "get the ball in the cup" game that's somehow a sport now

14. Any colonial technology that people feel is still necessary to use even though we have vastly superior technology (like motor boats, cars, and any real sport)

15. People who walk slowly

16. People who walk slowly next to their friends who are also walking slowly

17. People who stop in the middle of the sidewalk

18. People who just get in the way in general

19. People who ask stupid questions (there is absolutely a such thing as a stupid question)

20. People who do stupid things

21. Stupid people

22. Priuses

23. People who brag about their Priuses

24. Giant lifted trucks

25. Douchebags in tank tops who drive giant lifted trucks

26. Slow drivers

27. Oblivious drivers

28. Grammatical errors

29. People who write like first graders even though they're in college

30. Yoga

31. Hot yoga

32. Any form of yoga

33. Salads

34. Girls who wear flowers in their hair and paint their faces for music festivals

35. Douchebags in tank tops at music festivals

36. Music festivals

37. 85% of men

38. People who catcall

39. Lazy people

40. Stupid cooking videos on Facebook

41. Etc.

Any questions, comments, or complaints can be sent to colespam44@gmail.com.

See you all next week.

Week 22: The Bachelorette

Recently Kelly (my girlfriend, dater of assholes) has been using scare tactics to get me to watch The Bachelorette with her. If you've never seen this show, count yourself lucky. The basic premise is that a ridiculously emotional woman fucks with the hearts of equally ridiculously emotional men. I don't have a problem with her toying with these guys' emotions. What I really care about is that, although this show is billed to have one woman and 25 men, it really has 26 women. Here are the four main issues with The Bachelorette.

All the guys are the same: All of the men on this show are just carbon copies of each other. They've all been making fun of Chad (alpha douchebag) for working out too much, but they all clearly work out. Either that, or stressing out over the rose ceremony builds biceps the size of tree trunks. They also all have that stupid haircut where it's shaved on the sides but long and floppy on the top. It makes them all look like they got too emotional in the middle of their haircuts and the barber stylist just gave up.

This haircut. It requires 3 buckets of hair gel every morning

All the guys are obsessed with the girl: These guys have known this girl, JoJo, for a matter of days and they're all absolutely infatuated with her. And sure, JoJo is great, if you like brunette girls with boob jobs that like to cry a lot. But seriously, there's no way that 25 guys all just happen to be in love with her. At least one of those guys has to go home thinking that she actually sucks and is super boring. "Todd, will you accept this rose?" "No JoJo, I want to go home because I don't like you and I ran out of protein powder and clean whitewashed jeans."

Regina George knows

Everything is so dramatic: I've never watched The Bachelor, but I imagine that having 25 women in the house is somehow less dramatic than having this group of men there. They create drama about everything. "O.M.G. Jordan has been talking to JoJo for like... 15 minutes. When am I going to get my chance?" "I'm falling for JoJo but what if I don't get to spend enough time with her?" Quotes like that are commonplace in this house. If one of them broke a nail they would devote a whole segment towards it. I'm not saying that men can't be dramatic, or that women are always dramatic, but I have an issue with the fact that every single man in the house is so obsessed with the process that they think not getting a rose is the end of the world. You all look like Abercrombie models with the thought process of an average gorilla. I'm sure you'll be able to find "love" somewhere else.

My thoughts exactly

Their "jobs" are ridiculous: Whenever the men speak to the camera, it shows their name, age, and occupation on the screen. Their occupations are absolutely ridiculous. One of them is a "former competitive swimmer." Many of you will say, "hey Cole you can't make fun of that because that's you." That's true, but I also don't identify myself as a former competitive swimmer when I meet new people. That's absurd and everybody would think I'm a huge douche. Another guy's says "Hipster". If your occupation is being a hipster there are some serious problems you need to work out, and I don't think marrying a plastic woman is going to help with any of them. Another guy's just says "Canadian." I could go on and on. These guys don't have real jobs, they just look pretty and lift heavy things and rely on others to get by.

Severus Snape was on the show this season

I really would not recommend watching this show. It's entertaining, sure, but it represents everything wrong with society. Trust me, the couples that leave the Bachelor or the Bachelorette are doing more than just contributing to the "50% of marriages end in divorce" statistic. The whole premise of this show is absolutely ridiculous and you'll be shocked at how much of it isn't fabricated.

I hope you all enjoyed this week's installment of Cole's Complaints, and I'll see you all back here next time.

Week 21: Yard Sales

I have to apologize for my absence. Things have been crazy in the world of Cole. My mom just moved to an apartment and I've been working nights, which makes it difficult to post. Not an excuse, just reality. Anyway, on to this week's post.

Part of our move was holding a yard sale, in which we conned people into buying our old crap. I don't know if any of you are familiar with yard sales or have ever held one of your own, but they're pretty awful. There are people who apparently have nothing better to do than go to yard sales all weekend long. Most would call them hoarders, they refer to themselves as "enthusiasts." Bottom line, they're horribly boring and pretty obnoxious. Here are the four people you might run into at a yard sale.

The "I'm in a store" people: These people, I shit you not, will walk up to you at a yard sale and say things like, "hey, do you guys have any bicycle pumps?" That is beyond ridiculous. Hey buddy, do you see any bicycle pumps? No? Well then I guess that means we don't have any. A yard sale is the only shopping experience in which everything you see is everything they have. Do not come up to me and ask if we have any back massagers for sale, because I will tell you to look for yourself, and I will relish in the disappointed look on your face when you don't find one.

"Wow, these bats are nice. Do you have any poker tables?" 

The "browse but don't buy" people: Look, I definitely understand not wanting to spend money on things I don't need. However, I don't go to Bed Bath & Beyond, ask if they have any bicycles, and then continue to spend the rest of my day there (without buying anything) when they say they don't. It takes a maximum of 10 minutes to browse an average-sized garage sale. If they don't have anything that catches your eye, then leave. Don't spend another hour there as if something else is going to appear. I can guarantee that whoever is running said garage sale does not want to make small talk with you while you poke and prod a 50-cent teddy bear. Just leave.

Bed Bath & Beyond. And bicycles

The "need it for less" people: A yard sale is a great place to get a good deal on some used crap. Feel free to negotiate down a dollar or two to get an even better deal on some used crap. Do not, however, ask if you can get our $50 grill for $3. We will laugh in your face and show you over to the $1 table, where you can buy some worthless items for 100x their real value.

"$20 for this wine bottle holder? I'll give you $0.50"

The "touch everything" people: These people will come to your yard sale, poke and prod everything they can get their grubby hands on, then leave without buying anything or try to negotiate ridiculous discounts. Why do you need to touch our blender? It has a glass pitcher with a plastic bottom that blends anything inside of it. You know, like a blender. I don't like it when people need to touch everything anyway, but when it's a bunch of stuff we're trying to sell and it's a dirty stranger doing the touching, it's enough to make me want to scream. Keep your hands to yourself, people.

Different concept, but you get the idea

I hope this dissuaded you from holding a garage sale. It's probably better to just sell all of your stuff on craigslist, where you might get kidnapped and tortured but at least you won't have to deal with people asking if you also have any cookie cutters. I hope you're all enjoying your day, and I'll (hopefully) see you all back here next week.

Week 20: Restaurants

Cole's Complaints was gone for two whole weeks. I know, it's a tragedy to say the least. I was traveling and helping my mom with a garage sale (because I'm a good son) and I didn't have time to blog, but I've been racking up the complaints. I hope you were all able to stay busy on Thursdays without my complaints to read. Rest assured, Cole's Complaints is back.

Restaurants are pretty cool, right? You go there when you want to relax and have a nice night out, you take dates there to impress them, and you go there to try food you can't get anywhere else. The only problem is that a bunch of shitty people will probably ruin your experience. Restaurants suck, and here's why:

The waitstaff: I've had great waiters and I've had horrible waiters. Don't get me wrong, I always tip (I'm not that much of a dick). But there are certain things that every waiter (and waitress) does that, frankly, are annoying as hell. Exhibit A: coming to the table to ask me how the food tastes three seconds after the food gets put down in front of me. I'm not really sure how the food tastes yet, but I'd be happy to let you know once I get a chance to taste it. Exhibit B: talking to me like a freaking child. If I ask for a my steak medium rare, do not tell me that it'll have a warm red center. If I didn't know what medium rare meant, I'd ask. Otherwise, bring me my steak and wait a few minutes before asking me how it is. Thanks.

"Shellfish? Just so you know, sir, that's what we call seafood in a shell"

Other people: I don't know what it is about restaurants, but lots of people seem to think it's their own personal paradise where they're free to scream as loud as they want. And I'm not talking about families with small children. Actually, those families are generally well-behaved. Have you ever sat next to a bunch of vaguely related, slightly intoxicated women? It's Hell if Hell were filled with the shrieking laughter of drunk, middle aged women. Or have you ever sat close to a bar filled with men when any kind of sports game is on? Wait for anything good to happen and they'll fill your local TGI Friday's with their screams. You don't need to blow up when the kicker makes the extra point. Just drink your Bud Light and move on, please.

Wine and martinis? Get out while you still can

 The atmosphere: Restaurants are super dark. I understand that if a restaurant is darker people eat more, blah blah blah. But does it really need to be so dark that my dad needs to use the flashlight on his phone in tandem with his reading glasses in order to read the menu? He looks like a moron and it embarrasses the entire family. Also, this one's pretty specific, but who did they hire as the interior designer for Applebee's? It looks like the world's most worthless antique shop exploded, then the same guy who designs hotel carpets and 70's conversion van interiors upholstered the seats. It's God awful. The quesadilla burger is pretty bomb though, so they're forgiven.

Applebee's interior, complete with entirely unrelated "antiques"

I hope you all enjoyed this week's installment of Cole's Complaints. I know everyone will continue to spend their hard earned money at restaurants, but I can only hope that you'll hate them a little bit more now. I'll see you all right here next week.

Week 19: Hipsters

Hipsters are native to Portland, Oregon. They are also, however, an invasive species that have spread across this entire godforsaken country to open deconstructed soup restaurants and ride giant, impractical bicycles. The hipster mentality, as I'll call it, is a pandemic. All across these United States we have mustache-wearing idiots who think they're better than everybody else. Here are the four main reasons that hipsters suck.

Their music: One of the most common stereotypes about hipsters is that they listen to obscure music, and they won't share it with anybody else. "I love this band, but you've probably never heard of them" is a commonly uttered phrase in organic vegan wine tastings across the country. You know what you call a band that nobody's ever heard of? A band that is bad at playing music. Even better are the wannabe hipsters that talk about bands that everybody has heard of. "I love this song, but you probably haven't heard it." Oh, you mean Roses by the Chainsmokers? Yeah that's been on the radio for like a year you pretentious fuck.

This is a band called Ice Age. Haven't heard of them? Don't bother looking them up

Their food: Do you like tacos? Great, then I'm sure you'd love to try tacos served in a shoe. What about pizza, do you like pizza? I'm sure you'd also like this pizza that's made on a bunch of crushed up, organic saltines instead of a regular crust. That's how hipsters view food. Why have a regular lasagna when instead you can get all of the ingredients served on different plates in front of you, in deconstructed form? Not only do you get to eat it, but you get to build it! It's almost like you could've done it at home for way less money. It's actually probably a good thing that hipsters eat at all, because it gives the rest of us a break from the incessant stream of bullshit that comes out of their mouths.

This is some sort of food served in a glass, that I stole from Buzzfeed. Serve food on plates

Their modes of transportation: Everybody is familiar with the stereotype about hipsters using old fashioned bikes with the huge wheel in front and the tiny wheel in back. "Hey Cole, what's the most ridiculous part about this stereotype?" Great question, valued reader. I'll tell you. The most ridiculous part about this stereotype is that there are actually a lot of hipsters who use these bicycles. Where the hell do they get them? How do you ride one? Can they hear people making fun of them when they ride one? Beyond these bicycles, hipsters have some other absurd modes of transportation. Roller skates, for example. That way, not only can you get where you need to go quickly, but you can look absolutely ridiculous once you get there! A vintage moped is another one. Why purchase a new, reliable moped when you can spend way more on a slower, worse looking, far less reliable version.

What happens when you encounter a hill?

The way they talk: Hipsters have an air of self-importance that they will proudly discuss with anybody, regardless of whether their victim is willing or not. The problem is that hipsters have no reason to think they're better than other people. They have no money. They eat weird food. They smell strange because they shower with tofu soap (every three days, to conserve water). They listen to bad music. They can't get anywhere quickly because their inefficient, 150-year-old bike is always breaking down. Despite all this, they act like they're King Henry VIII and you're his sixth wife. They're the losers in life, and it's absolutely infuriating that they don't recognize that.

This is King Henry VIII. He killed a lot of people

All I can do is pray that this is a passing fad, and that the next one isn't as painful. In the meantime, shave your mustaches and buy normal freaking bicycles, people. We can get through this together. I'll see you all next week.