Week 24: I'm Back, Baby (Also, Pumpkin Spice)

Not gone and not forgotten. I'm not sure how all of you made it through the tail end of the summer without Cole's Complaints (I'm actually not entirely sure that all of you did) but most of us are alive and well and ready to read a series of complaints that carry absolutely no weight. Some may attribute my absence to a Bruce Wayne-esque departure to study my craft. To that, I have no comment. Others may attribute my absence to a general lack of complaints, and to that I do have one comment:

On to the good stuff. As we approach the fall season, and white girls dressed as Han Solo (see footnote) begin their slow migration from the north to the south, two words start to fill the minds, eyes, and ears of people everywhere: Pumpkin Spice. I have no problem, per se, with the actual flavor of pumpkin spice. It's not really my cup of tea, but I can see why people think it tastes good. What I have an issue with is products like this:

Now I'm not sure how familiar you are with mediocre American snack foods, but those are Pringles. Pringles are fucking potato chips. In case you fell out of bed onto your head this morning, have lived your entire life inside the dumpster that is your bedroom, or were actually born yesterday, potato chips are a salty snack that probably could not have a worse pairing than with pumpkin spice. In fact, if you ran up to me on the street and said "hey Cole, what's the last thing you'd put pumpkin spice on?" First I'd tell you to get the hell out of my face. But then if you offered me $5, I'd tell you that potato chips are probably the last thing I'd put pumpkin spice on. 

Here's another one for you. Welch's, you know, the grape juice company, came out with a sparkling pumpkin spice drink. The drink is literally called "Welch's sparkling pumpkin spice." That has nothing to do with grapes, nor can a pumpkin be juiced, so what in the actual fuck goes into this drink? I maintain that this product exists only so people can celebrate getting their first Starbucks pumpkin spice latte of the season by popping bottles of Welch's sparking pumpkin spice drink. 

This is fucking gross. And that's all I have to say about that.

The pumpkin spice craze is, without a doubt, getting out of hand. This year, General Mills came out with brand new pumpkin spice Cheerios. Don't believe me? You have no reason not to. We're one white girl in a cardigan away from pumpkin spice-scented toilet bowl cleaner. The problem, however, isn't only ridiculous branding. It's also the fact that it is September 1, very much still summer, and I'm writing a blog post about pumpkin spice. Not a single leaf has left a single tree, and basic white girls the world over are yearning for fall. And why? Fall is a season of bullshit. Fall is when the temperature goes from 85 one day to 60 the next. It's the only time I have to wear pants and a sweatshirt in the morning and then need to be wearing shorts and a t shirt in the afternoon. All the leaves fall off the trees and God forbid we leave those in our yard. Nope, we rake that shit up and wait for it to blow all over the place so we can do it all over again. You show me a person excited for fall and I'll show you a person who had a landscaping service raking their leaves.

This is that massive pile of shit from Jurassic Park. Virtually indistinguishable from a pile of leaves. Catch my drift?

By far the biggest problem with pumpkin spice season, beyond the branding, beyond the fall-in-August horseshit, is the fact that come September 8 (the expected release date for Starbucks' pumpkin spice latte), I will have to fight my way through hordes iPhone-wielding, eye-rolling white girls just to get a FREAKING grande decaf caramel Frappuccino. And yes, I shamelessly drink Frappuccinos because it's just a milkshake that's socially acceptable to drink before 10 am.

I hope you all enjoyed my return to greatness, fame, glory, whatever you'd like to call it, and I'll see you all right back here next week.

Footnote:

Week 23: Things I Don't Like

This is a list of things I don't like. Yup, that's my post this week. Enjoy:

1. Long boards

2. People who use long boards

3. People who use long boards and also have man buns

4. People wearing man buns at the gym

5. Man buns

6. That stupid haircut that's shaved on the sides and long on the top (like a damaged mop)

7. Tank tops (for men)

8. Douchebags in tank tops

9. People who serenade girls with guitars

10. People who serenade girls with their voices

11. Sailboats

12. Horse carriages

13. That stupid "get the ball in the cup" game that's somehow a sport now

14. Any colonial technology that people feel is still necessary to use even though we have vastly superior technology (like motor boats, cars, and any real sport)

15. People who walk slowly

16. People who walk slowly next to their friends who are also walking slowly

17. People who stop in the middle of the sidewalk

18. People who just get in the way in general

19. People who ask stupid questions (there is absolutely a such thing as a stupid question)

20. People who do stupid things

21. Stupid people

22. Priuses

23. People who brag about their Priuses

24. Giant lifted trucks

25. Douchebags in tank tops who drive giant lifted trucks

26. Slow drivers

27. Oblivious drivers

28. Grammatical errors

29. People who write like first graders even though they're in college

30. Yoga

31. Hot yoga

32. Any form of yoga

33. Salads

34. Girls who wear flowers in their hair and paint their faces for music festivals

35. Douchebags in tank tops at music festivals

36. Music festivals

37. 85% of men

38. People who catcall

39. Lazy people

40. Stupid cooking videos on Facebook

41. Etc.

Any questions, comments, or complaints can be sent to colespam44@gmail.com.

See you all next week.

Week 22: The Bachelorette

Recently Kelly (my girlfriend, dater of assholes) has been using scare tactics to get me to watch The Bachelorette with her. If you've never seen this show, count yourself lucky. The basic premise is that a ridiculously emotional woman fucks with the hearts of equally ridiculously emotional men. I don't have a problem with her toying with these guys' emotions. What I really care about is that, although this show is billed to have one woman and 25 men, it really has 26 women. Here are the four main issues with The Bachelorette.

All the guys are the same: All of the men on this show are just carbon copies of each other. They've all been making fun of Chad (alpha douchebag) for working out too much, but they all clearly work out. Either that, or stressing out over the rose ceremony builds biceps the size of tree trunks. They also all have that stupid haircut where it's shaved on the sides but long and floppy on the top. It makes them all look like they got too emotional in the middle of their haircuts and the barber stylist just gave up.

This haircut. It requires 3 buckets of hair gel every morning

All the guys are obsessed with the girl: These guys have known this girl, JoJo, for a matter of days and they're all absolutely infatuated with her. And sure, JoJo is great, if you like brunette girls with boob jobs that like to cry a lot. But seriously, there's no way that 25 guys all just happen to be in love with her. At least one of those guys has to go home thinking that she actually sucks and is super boring. "Todd, will you accept this rose?" "No JoJo, I want to go home because I don't like you and I ran out of protein powder and clean whitewashed jeans."

Regina George knows

Everything is so dramatic: I've never watched The Bachelor, but I imagine that having 25 women in the house is somehow less dramatic than having this group of men there. They create drama about everything. "O.M.G. Jordan has been talking to JoJo for like... 15 minutes. When am I going to get my chance?" "I'm falling for JoJo but what if I don't get to spend enough time with her?" Quotes like that are commonplace in this house. If one of them broke a nail they would devote a whole segment towards it. I'm not saying that men can't be dramatic, or that women are always dramatic, but I have an issue with the fact that every single man in the house is so obsessed with the process that they think not getting a rose is the end of the world. You all look like Abercrombie models with the thought process of an average gorilla. I'm sure you'll be able to find "love" somewhere else.

My thoughts exactly

Their "jobs" are ridiculous: Whenever the men speak to the camera, it shows their name, age, and occupation on the screen. Their occupations are absolutely ridiculous. One of them is a "former competitive swimmer." Many of you will say, "hey Cole you can't make fun of that because that's you." That's true, but I also don't identify myself as a former competitive swimmer when I meet new people. That's absurd and everybody would think I'm a huge douche. Another guy's says "Hipster". If your occupation is being a hipster there are some serious problems you need to work out, and I don't think marrying a plastic woman is going to help with any of them. Another guy's just says "Canadian." I could go on and on. These guys don't have real jobs, they just look pretty and lift heavy things and rely on others to get by.

Severus Snape was on the show this season

I really would not recommend watching this show. It's entertaining, sure, but it represents everything wrong with society. Trust me, the couples that leave the Bachelor or the Bachelorette are doing more than just contributing to the "50% of marriages end in divorce" statistic. The whole premise of this show is absolutely ridiculous and you'll be shocked at how much of it isn't fabricated.

I hope you all enjoyed this week's installment of Cole's Complaints, and I'll see you all back here next time.

Week 21: Yard Sales

I have to apologize for my absence. Things have been crazy in the world of Cole. My mom just moved to an apartment and I've been working nights, which makes it difficult to post. Not an excuse, just reality. Anyway, on to this week's post.

Part of our move was holding a yard sale, in which we conned people into buying our old crap. I don't know if any of you are familiar with yard sales or have ever held one of your own, but they're pretty awful. There are people who apparently have nothing better to do than go to yard sales all weekend long. Most would call them hoarders, they refer to themselves as "enthusiasts." Bottom line, they're horribly boring and pretty obnoxious. Here are the four people you might run into at a yard sale.

The "I'm in a store" people: These people, I shit you not, will walk up to you at a yard sale and say things like, "hey, do you guys have any bicycle pumps?" That is beyond ridiculous. Hey buddy, do you see any bicycle pumps? No? Well then I guess that means we don't have any. A yard sale is the only shopping experience in which everything you see is everything they have. Do not come up to me and ask if we have any back massagers for sale, because I will tell you to look for yourself, and I will relish in the disappointed look on your face when you don't find one.

"Wow, these bats are nice. Do you have any poker tables?" 

The "browse but don't buy" people: Look, I definitely understand not wanting to spend money on things I don't need. However, I don't go to Bed Bath & Beyond, ask if they have any bicycles, and then continue to spend the rest of my day there (without buying anything) when they say they don't. It takes a maximum of 10 minutes to browse an average-sized garage sale. If they don't have anything that catches your eye, then leave. Don't spend another hour there as if something else is going to appear. I can guarantee that whoever is running said garage sale does not want to make small talk with you while you poke and prod a 50-cent teddy bear. Just leave.

Bed Bath & Beyond. And bicycles

The "need it for less" people: A yard sale is a great place to get a good deal on some used crap. Feel free to negotiate down a dollar or two to get an even better deal on some used crap. Do not, however, ask if you can get our $50 grill for $3. We will laugh in your face and show you over to the $1 table, where you can buy some worthless items for 100x their real value.

"$20 for this wine bottle holder? I'll give you $0.50"

The "touch everything" people: These people will come to your yard sale, poke and prod everything they can get their grubby hands on, then leave without buying anything or try to negotiate ridiculous discounts. Why do you need to touch our blender? It has a glass pitcher with a plastic bottom that blends anything inside of it. You know, like a blender. I don't like it when people need to touch everything anyway, but when it's a bunch of stuff we're trying to sell and it's a dirty stranger doing the touching, it's enough to make me want to scream. Keep your hands to yourself, people.

Different concept, but you get the idea

I hope this dissuaded you from holding a garage sale. It's probably better to just sell all of your stuff on craigslist, where you might get kidnapped and tortured but at least you won't have to deal with people asking if you also have any cookie cutters. I hope you're all enjoying your day, and I'll (hopefully) see you all back here next week.

Week 20: Restaurants

Cole's Complaints was gone for two whole weeks. I know, it's a tragedy to say the least. I was traveling and helping my mom with a garage sale (because I'm a good son) and I didn't have time to blog, but I've been racking up the complaints. I hope you were all able to stay busy on Thursdays without my complaints to read. Rest assured, Cole's Complaints is back.

Restaurants are pretty cool, right? You go there when you want to relax and have a nice night out, you take dates there to impress them, and you go there to try food you can't get anywhere else. The only problem is that a bunch of shitty people will probably ruin your experience. Restaurants suck, and here's why:

The waitstaff: I've had great waiters and I've had horrible waiters. Don't get me wrong, I always tip (I'm not that much of a dick). But there are certain things that every waiter (and waitress) does that, frankly, are annoying as hell. Exhibit A: coming to the table to ask me how the food tastes three seconds after the food gets put down in front of me. I'm not really sure how the food tastes yet, but I'd be happy to let you know once I get a chance to taste it. Exhibit B: talking to me like a freaking child. If I ask for a my steak medium rare, do not tell me that it'll have a warm red center. If I didn't know what medium rare meant, I'd ask. Otherwise, bring me my steak and wait a few minutes before asking me how it is. Thanks.

"Shellfish? Just so you know, sir, that's what we call seafood in a shell"

Other people: I don't know what it is about restaurants, but lots of people seem to think it's their own personal paradise where they're free to scream as loud as they want. And I'm not talking about families with small children. Actually, those families are generally well-behaved. Have you ever sat next to a bunch of vaguely related, slightly intoxicated women? It's Hell if Hell were filled with the shrieking laughter of drunk, middle aged women. Or have you ever sat close to a bar filled with men when any kind of sports game is on? Wait for anything good to happen and they'll fill your local TGI Friday's with their screams. You don't need to blow up when the kicker makes the extra point. Just drink your Bud Light and move on, please.

Wine and martinis? Get out while you still can

 The atmosphere: Restaurants are super dark. I understand that if a restaurant is darker people eat more, blah blah blah. But does it really need to be so dark that my dad needs to use the flashlight on his phone in tandem with his reading glasses in order to read the menu? He looks like a moron and it embarrasses the entire family. Also, this one's pretty specific, but who did they hire as the interior designer for Applebee's? It looks like the world's most worthless antique shop exploded, then the same guy who designs hotel carpets and 70's conversion van interiors upholstered the seats. It's God awful. The quesadilla burger is pretty bomb though, so they're forgiven.

Applebee's interior, complete with entirely unrelated "antiques"

I hope you all enjoyed this week's installment of Cole's Complaints. I know everyone will continue to spend their hard earned money at restaurants, but I can only hope that you'll hate them a little bit more now. I'll see you all right here next week.

Week 19: Hipsters

Hipsters are native to Portland, Oregon. They are also, however, an invasive species that have spread across this entire godforsaken country to open deconstructed soup restaurants and ride giant, impractical bicycles. The hipster mentality, as I'll call it, is a pandemic. All across these United States we have mustache-wearing idiots who think they're better than everybody else. Here are the four main reasons that hipsters suck.

Their music: One of the most common stereotypes about hipsters is that they listen to obscure music, and they won't share it with anybody else. "I love this band, but you've probably never heard of them" is a commonly uttered phrase in organic vegan wine tastings across the country. You know what you call a band that nobody's ever heard of? A band that is bad at playing music. Even better are the wannabe hipsters that talk about bands that everybody has heard of. "I love this song, but you probably haven't heard it." Oh, you mean Roses by the Chainsmokers? Yeah that's been on the radio for like a year you pretentious fuck.

This is a band called Ice Age. Haven't heard of them? Don't bother looking them up

Their food: Do you like tacos? Great, then I'm sure you'd love to try tacos served in a shoe. What about pizza, do you like pizza? I'm sure you'd also like this pizza that's made on a bunch of crushed up, organic saltines instead of a regular crust. That's how hipsters view food. Why have a regular lasagna when instead you can get all of the ingredients served on different plates in front of you, in deconstructed form? Not only do you get to eat it, but you get to build it! It's almost like you could've done it at home for way less money. It's actually probably a good thing that hipsters eat at all, because it gives the rest of us a break from the incessant stream of bullshit that comes out of their mouths.

This is some sort of food served in a glass, that I stole from Buzzfeed. Serve food on plates

Their modes of transportation: Everybody is familiar with the stereotype about hipsters using old fashioned bikes with the huge wheel in front and the tiny wheel in back. "Hey Cole, what's the most ridiculous part about this stereotype?" Great question, valued reader. I'll tell you. The most ridiculous part about this stereotype is that there are actually a lot of hipsters who use these bicycles. Where the hell do they get them? How do you ride one? Can they hear people making fun of them when they ride one? Beyond these bicycles, hipsters have some other absurd modes of transportation. Roller skates, for example. That way, not only can you get where you need to go quickly, but you can look absolutely ridiculous once you get there! A vintage moped is another one. Why purchase a new, reliable moped when you can spend way more on a slower, worse looking, far less reliable version.

What happens when you encounter a hill?

The way they talk: Hipsters have an air of self-importance that they will proudly discuss with anybody, regardless of whether their victim is willing or not. The problem is that hipsters have no reason to think they're better than other people. They have no money. They eat weird food. They smell strange because they shower with tofu soap (every three days, to conserve water). They listen to bad music. They can't get anywhere quickly because their inefficient, 150-year-old bike is always breaking down. Despite all this, they act like they're King Henry VIII and you're his sixth wife. They're the losers in life, and it's absolutely infuriating that they don't recognize that.

This is King Henry VIII. He killed a lot of people

All I can do is pray that this is a passing fad, and that the next one isn't as painful. In the meantime, shave your mustaches and buy normal freaking bicycles, people. We can get through this together. I'll see you all next week.

Week 18: Construction

Every few months, a different part of this godforsaken campus transforms into a war zone of hard hats and bulldozers as they break ground on a new "improvement." The problem with these improvements is that they take years to complete, and they're a major inconvenience in the meantime. How much of an inconvenience? Imagine that you have a really nice house with a front door, a back door, and a really, really inconvenient door in the basement that you never ever use. Now imagine that somebody takes a bunch of backhoes and bulldozers and digs giant 30-foot pits in front of the front and back doors and then puts giant signs up that say "haha fuck you man" in front of your house, so you have to use the inconvenient door. Yeah that's pretty much what's happening in front of our library right now. Here's why construction sucks:

It takes forever: The construction never ends. The school is all about continuous improvement, which is fine I guess, but we'll never get to reap the benefits while we're here. I'm sure that the new student health center will look great when I come back to visit in 10 years, but walking around the construction every day until I graduate is going to be a real pain in the ass. Plus, I visit the health center just as much as anybody (vertigo episodes, hearing loss, back pain, countless prescriptions, the list goes on) and it doesn't need any improvement. You know what needs improvement? The shitty dorm I lived in freshman year. The horrible food. The class registration system. You know what none of those require? Massive construction projects that take forever and get in everybody's way.

This is where I lived freshman year. It was a shithole

It's loud: The other day I was in the library. If you're not familiar with libraries, they're places you can go to study because, generally, they're quiet. I was sitting there working on something important, like that day's clever tweet, when all of a sudden the entire building erupted in a loud grinding noise. I'm not sure if they were digging a new basement or blowing off the roof, but needless to say this noise was not conducive to studying. Construction, by nature, is super loud and obnoxious. If it's outside, it's not great but it could be worse. If it's inside, it'll sound like John Cena screaming his own name while firing a cannon at a wall made of air horns. Brace yourself.

He's about as big as a bulldozer too

It causes traffic: Construction causes a ridiculous amount of traffic, be it foot traffic or road traffic. All the construction around campus means that people have to walk in very specific routes to get to their classes. This means that the slow walkers get in everyone's way and make everybody late to class. They'll walk three across, as per usual, but the narrow pathways mean that I can't pass the three stooges and get where I need to go on time. It also closes roads that we use all the time. The other day I was trying to take a left onto one of the busiest roads in Columbia, and there was a guy in an orange vest and a hard hat standing there shaking his head and looking at me as if I were the moron in the situation. Right, because why would I have any reason to believe that I could take the same left that I take every day?

Columbia during "campus improvement"

The absolute worst part about the construction is that there's no way to avoid it. Every single year, they finish a construction project and start another one. All they can say to the tour groups, when they're looking at giant mounds of dirt, is "imagine how nice this will look in 5 years." It's awful. It's a never ending cycle of Hell on campus. 

I hope you all enjoyed this week's post. I'll see you all right back here next week for yet another complaint.