Week 25: Men's Hairstyles of 2016

Welcome back to another week of Cole's Complaints. It feels good to be back, doesn't it? Like all is right in the world. I don't know how many of you have stepped outside your homes this year, but for those of you that have, you may have noticed a new trend that has been evolving over the past few months. Men are now doing pretty much everything they can to look fucking ridiculous. New hairstyles, pants rolled up to the middle of their calves, and v-neck shirts are everywhere. Today, we'll focus on hairstyles. The others may come later. If you are a man with one of these hairstyles and this offends you, either get a haircut or a sense of humor.

The Man Bun: We all know the man bun. Basically what happened here is some guy on Instagram with an eight pack and pecs that would fill a c-cup bra put his long-ish hair into a bun, and girls went nuts. Then, because guys are nothing if not desperately horny, hundreds of thousands of testosterone-filled, tank top-wearing idiots under the age of 25 drove to Walmart, bought hair ties, and decided to start wearing man buns. Some people put a little more effort into it and grew their hair out before putting it into a bun, which is embarrassing but commendable nonetheless. Lots of other guys, with significant instant gratification issues, decided to tie their hair up into teensy little gumball-sized buns, which made them look like their 6-year-old sisters had just given them a makeover. Then it got worse, because this is 2016 and why the hell not. Men began shaving the sides of their heads but keeping it long enough for a man bun on the top. This had the unintended effect of making them look like they were wearing some sort of weird hat (see below). Long story short: the whole man bun thing was fine at first, but was immediately ruined, as most things are, by a bunch of pudgy males with underdeveloped prefrontal cortices trying to fit in.

Look at that weird little man bun hat

That Weird Hairstyle Where It's Shaved on the Sides and Long and Floppy on the Top: No idea what this one is really called, and I frankly don't care. It looks super weird. Guys with this hairstyle look like they had long hair, went to army boot camp long enough to get half a haircut, bitched out, and decided their hair looked good so they kept it. Then they went and bought some "mousse" (it's not gel, dammit, it's mousse) so they could achieve that perfect level of I-haven't-bathed-in-two-days greasiness, even though it's really been WEEKS since they last bathed. That's the other thing about men's hairstyles these days--why does it always look like their hair is super greasy? Is it because their hair IS super greasy? Is there something about having more grease in your hair that just makes it "flop" better when you're trying to impress Jojo from the Bachelorette? Is mousse actually just shoe polish? These are questions that need answers.

If he flipped his hair it would sling grease across the room

This shit: I was looking for more material, because with all the hipsters in the world now there are an infinite number of "what the fuck is that" hairstyles out there to choose from, and I stumbled upon this gem. This guys' hair looks like a freaking porcupine. I mean seriously, did he stick the back of his head out of the window on the highway and then just not touch his hair? The fact that this hairstyle is not being mocked all over the internet is an absolute travesty, and it pretty clearly shows how unfortunate 2016 has been. Let me just make this a little more clear: this hairstyle is REAL. A REAL PERSON is wearing this hairstyle AS WE SPEAK. This is not sonic the hedgehog, this is a human being. Everybody can just go bury their heads in the sand until 2017, because 2016 has officially gone to shit.

Bask in the poor life choices

Colin Kaepernick: Can we just talk about Colin Kaepernick for a second? And no, I don't mean all this controversy bullshit that's going on, pick a side, I don't care. We're not going to talk about that here. I'm talking about this:

Why is that 70's porn star wearing a 49ers uniform?

When the hell did this happen?! Colin Kaepernick came back for the 2016-2017 NFL season with his own built-in football helmet. It's so hard for me to take him seriously doing anything with hair like that. He looks like a 70's porn star who accidentally stumbled his way onto a football field, and nobody has figured it out yet. Isn't that the plot of Back to the Future III? Plus, have you seen what it looks like when he puts a helmet on? He somehow looks even more ridiculous. He has hair coming out of every possible hole in his helmet. I don't understand where any of this came from, and I simultaneously love it and hate it. Colin Kaepernick, you look freaking ridiculous, but don't cut it because it's priceless. Plus, you'll be casting some nice shade for everybody else riding that bench with you this season.

This has nothing to do with the rest of my post, but tomorrow is my birthday. If you need me, I will be lying in my bed blasting Taylor Swift's "22" until my ears bleed. If you'd like to make a donation for my birthday, shave your local douchebag's man bun clean off. Until next time, farewell.

Week 24: I'm Back, Baby (Also, Pumpkin Spice)

Not gone and not forgotten. I'm not sure how all of you made it through the tail end of the summer without Cole's Complaints (I'm actually not entirely sure that all of you did) but most of us are alive and well and ready to read a series of complaints that carry absolutely no weight. Some may attribute my absence to a Bruce Wayne-esque departure to study my craft. To that, I have no comment. Others may attribute my absence to a general lack of complaints, and to that I do have one comment:

On to the good stuff. As we approach the fall season, and white girls dressed as Han Solo (see footnote) begin their slow migration from the north to the south, two words start to fill the minds, eyes, and ears of people everywhere: Pumpkin Spice. I have no problem, per se, with the actual flavor of pumpkin spice. It's not really my cup of tea, but I can see why people think it tastes good. What I have an issue with is products like this:

Now I'm not sure how familiar you are with mediocre American snack foods, but those are Pringles. Pringles are fucking potato chips. In case you fell out of bed onto your head this morning, have lived your entire life inside the dumpster that is your bedroom, or were actually born yesterday, potato chips are a salty snack that probably could not have a worse pairing than with pumpkin spice. In fact, if you ran up to me on the street and said "hey Cole, what's the last thing you'd put pumpkin spice on?" First I'd tell you to get the hell out of my face. But then if you offered me $5, I'd tell you that potato chips are probably the last thing I'd put pumpkin spice on. 

Here's another one for you. Welch's, you know, the grape juice company, came out with a sparkling pumpkin spice drink. The drink is literally called "Welch's sparkling pumpkin spice." That has nothing to do with grapes, nor can a pumpkin be juiced, so what in the actual fuck goes into this drink? I maintain that this product exists only so people can celebrate getting their first Starbucks pumpkin spice latte of the season by popping bottles of Welch's sparking pumpkin spice drink. 

This is fucking gross. And that's all I have to say about that.

The pumpkin spice craze is, without a doubt, getting out of hand. This year, General Mills came out with brand new pumpkin spice Cheerios. Don't believe me? You have no reason not to. We're one white girl in a cardigan away from pumpkin spice-scented toilet bowl cleaner. The problem, however, isn't only ridiculous branding. It's also the fact that it is September 1, very much still summer, and I'm writing a blog post about pumpkin spice. Not a single leaf has left a single tree, and basic white girls the world over are yearning for fall. And why? Fall is a season of bullshit. Fall is when the temperature goes from 85 one day to 60 the next. It's the only time I have to wear pants and a sweatshirt in the morning and then need to be wearing shorts and a t shirt in the afternoon. All the leaves fall off the trees and God forbid we leave those in our yard. Nope, we rake that shit up and wait for it to blow all over the place so we can do it all over again. You show me a person excited for fall and I'll show you a person who had a landscaping service raking their leaves.

This is that massive pile of shit from Jurassic Park. Virtually indistinguishable from a pile of leaves. Catch my drift?

By far the biggest problem with pumpkin spice season, beyond the branding, beyond the fall-in-August horseshit, is the fact that come September 8 (the expected release date for Starbucks' pumpkin spice latte), I will have to fight my way through hordes iPhone-wielding, eye-rolling white girls just to get a FREAKING grande decaf caramel Frappuccino. And yes, I shamelessly drink Frappuccinos because it's just a milkshake that's socially acceptable to drink before 10 am.

I hope you all enjoyed my return to greatness, fame, glory, whatever you'd like to call it, and I'll see you all right back here next week.

Footnote:

Week 23: Things I Don't Like

This is a list of things I don't like. Yup, that's my post this week. Enjoy:

1. Long boards

2. People who use long boards

3. People who use long boards and also have man buns

4. People wearing man buns at the gym

5. Man buns

6. That stupid haircut that's shaved on the sides and long on the top (like a damaged mop)

7. Tank tops (for men)

8. Douchebags in tank tops

9. People who serenade girls with guitars

10. People who serenade girls with their voices

11. Sailboats

12. Horse carriages

13. That stupid "get the ball in the cup" game that's somehow a sport now

14. Any colonial technology that people feel is still necessary to use even though we have vastly superior technology (like motor boats, cars, and any real sport)

15. People who walk slowly

16. People who walk slowly next to their friends who are also walking slowly

17. People who stop in the middle of the sidewalk

18. People who just get in the way in general

19. People who ask stupid questions (there is absolutely a such thing as a stupid question)

20. People who do stupid things

21. Stupid people

22. Priuses

23. People who brag about their Priuses

24. Giant lifted trucks

25. Douchebags in tank tops who drive giant lifted trucks

26. Slow drivers

27. Oblivious drivers

28. Grammatical errors

29. People who write like first graders even though they're in college

30. Yoga

31. Hot yoga

32. Any form of yoga

33. Salads

34. Girls who wear flowers in their hair and paint their faces for music festivals

35. Douchebags in tank tops at music festivals

36. Music festivals

37. 85% of men

38. People who catcall

39. Lazy people

40. Stupid cooking videos on Facebook

41. Etc.

Any questions, comments, or complaints can be sent to colespam44@gmail.com.

See you all next week.

Week 22: The Bachelorette

Recently Kelly (my girlfriend, dater of assholes) has been using scare tactics to get me to watch The Bachelorette with her. If you've never seen this show, count yourself lucky. The basic premise is that a ridiculously emotional woman fucks with the hearts of equally ridiculously emotional men. I don't have a problem with her toying with these guys' emotions. What I really care about is that, although this show is billed to have one woman and 25 men, it really has 26 women. Here are the four main issues with The Bachelorette.

All the guys are the same: All of the men on this show are just carbon copies of each other. They've all been making fun of Chad (alpha douchebag) for working out too much, but they all clearly work out. Either that, or stressing out over the rose ceremony builds biceps the size of tree trunks. They also all have that stupid haircut where it's shaved on the sides but long and floppy on the top. It makes them all look like they got too emotional in the middle of their haircuts and the barber stylist just gave up.

This haircut. It requires 3 buckets of hair gel every morning

All the guys are obsessed with the girl: These guys have known this girl, JoJo, for a matter of days and they're all absolutely infatuated with her. And sure, JoJo is great, if you like brunette girls with boob jobs that like to cry a lot. But seriously, there's no way that 25 guys all just happen to be in love with her. At least one of those guys has to go home thinking that she actually sucks and is super boring. "Todd, will you accept this rose?" "No JoJo, I want to go home because I don't like you and I ran out of protein powder and clean whitewashed jeans."

Regina George knows

Everything is so dramatic: I've never watched The Bachelor, but I imagine that having 25 women in the house is somehow less dramatic than having this group of men there. They create drama about everything. "O.M.G. Jordan has been talking to JoJo for like... 15 minutes. When am I going to get my chance?" "I'm falling for JoJo but what if I don't get to spend enough time with her?" Quotes like that are commonplace in this house. If one of them broke a nail they would devote a whole segment towards it. I'm not saying that men can't be dramatic, or that women are always dramatic, but I have an issue with the fact that every single man in the house is so obsessed with the process that they think not getting a rose is the end of the world. You all look like Abercrombie models with the thought process of an average gorilla. I'm sure you'll be able to find "love" somewhere else.

My thoughts exactly

Their "jobs" are ridiculous: Whenever the men speak to the camera, it shows their name, age, and occupation on the screen. Their occupations are absolutely ridiculous. One of them is a "former competitive swimmer." Many of you will say, "hey Cole you can't make fun of that because that's you." That's true, but I also don't identify myself as a former competitive swimmer when I meet new people. That's absurd and everybody would think I'm a huge douche. Another guy's says "Hipster". If your occupation is being a hipster there are some serious problems you need to work out, and I don't think marrying a plastic woman is going to help with any of them. Another guy's just says "Canadian." I could go on and on. These guys don't have real jobs, they just look pretty and lift heavy things and rely on others to get by.

Severus Snape was on the show this season

I really would not recommend watching this show. It's entertaining, sure, but it represents everything wrong with society. Trust me, the couples that leave the Bachelor or the Bachelorette are doing more than just contributing to the "50% of marriages end in divorce" statistic. The whole premise of this show is absolutely ridiculous and you'll be shocked at how much of it isn't fabricated.

I hope you all enjoyed this week's installment of Cole's Complaints, and I'll see you all back here next time.

Week 21: Yard Sales

I have to apologize for my absence. Things have been crazy in the world of Cole. My mom just moved to an apartment and I've been working nights, which makes it difficult to post. Not an excuse, just reality. Anyway, on to this week's post.

Part of our move was holding a yard sale, in which we conned people into buying our old crap. I don't know if any of you are familiar with yard sales or have ever held one of your own, but they're pretty awful. There are people who apparently have nothing better to do than go to yard sales all weekend long. Most would call them hoarders, they refer to themselves as "enthusiasts." Bottom line, they're horribly boring and pretty obnoxious. Here are the four people you might run into at a yard sale.

The "I'm in a store" people: These people, I shit you not, will walk up to you at a yard sale and say things like, "hey, do you guys have any bicycle pumps?" That is beyond ridiculous. Hey buddy, do you see any bicycle pumps? No? Well then I guess that means we don't have any. A yard sale is the only shopping experience in which everything you see is everything they have. Do not come up to me and ask if we have any back massagers for sale, because I will tell you to look for yourself, and I will relish in the disappointed look on your face when you don't find one.

"Wow, these bats are nice. Do you have any poker tables?" 

The "browse but don't buy" people: Look, I definitely understand not wanting to spend money on things I don't need. However, I don't go to Bed Bath & Beyond, ask if they have any bicycles, and then continue to spend the rest of my day there (without buying anything) when they say they don't. It takes a maximum of 10 minutes to browse an average-sized garage sale. If they don't have anything that catches your eye, then leave. Don't spend another hour there as if something else is going to appear. I can guarantee that whoever is running said garage sale does not want to make small talk with you while you poke and prod a 50-cent teddy bear. Just leave.

Bed Bath & Beyond. And bicycles

The "need it for less" people: A yard sale is a great place to get a good deal on some used crap. Feel free to negotiate down a dollar or two to get an even better deal on some used crap. Do not, however, ask if you can get our $50 grill for $3. We will laugh in your face and show you over to the $1 table, where you can buy some worthless items for 100x their real value.

"$20 for this wine bottle holder? I'll give you $0.50"

The "touch everything" people: These people will come to your yard sale, poke and prod everything they can get their grubby hands on, then leave without buying anything or try to negotiate ridiculous discounts. Why do you need to touch our blender? It has a glass pitcher with a plastic bottom that blends anything inside of it. You know, like a blender. I don't like it when people need to touch everything anyway, but when it's a bunch of stuff we're trying to sell and it's a dirty stranger doing the touching, it's enough to make me want to scream. Keep your hands to yourself, people.

Different concept, but you get the idea

I hope this dissuaded you from holding a garage sale. It's probably better to just sell all of your stuff on craigslist, where you might get kidnapped and tortured but at least you won't have to deal with people asking if you also have any cookie cutters. I hope you're all enjoying your day, and I'll (hopefully) see you all back here next week.

Week 20: Restaurants

Cole's Complaints was gone for two whole weeks. I know, it's a tragedy to say the least. I was traveling and helping my mom with a garage sale (because I'm a good son) and I didn't have time to blog, but I've been racking up the complaints. I hope you were all able to stay busy on Thursdays without my complaints to read. Rest assured, Cole's Complaints is back.

Restaurants are pretty cool, right? You go there when you want to relax and have a nice night out, you take dates there to impress them, and you go there to try food you can't get anywhere else. The only problem is that a bunch of shitty people will probably ruin your experience. Restaurants suck, and here's why:

The waitstaff: I've had great waiters and I've had horrible waiters. Don't get me wrong, I always tip (I'm not that much of a dick). But there are certain things that every waiter (and waitress) does that, frankly, are annoying as hell. Exhibit A: coming to the table to ask me how the food tastes three seconds after the food gets put down in front of me. I'm not really sure how the food tastes yet, but I'd be happy to let you know once I get a chance to taste it. Exhibit B: talking to me like a freaking child. If I ask for a my steak medium rare, do not tell me that it'll have a warm red center. If I didn't know what medium rare meant, I'd ask. Otherwise, bring me my steak and wait a few minutes before asking me how it is. Thanks.

"Shellfish? Just so you know, sir, that's what we call seafood in a shell"

Other people: I don't know what it is about restaurants, but lots of people seem to think it's their own personal paradise where they're free to scream as loud as they want. And I'm not talking about families with small children. Actually, those families are generally well-behaved. Have you ever sat next to a bunch of vaguely related, slightly intoxicated women? It's Hell if Hell were filled with the shrieking laughter of drunk, middle aged women. Or have you ever sat close to a bar filled with men when any kind of sports game is on? Wait for anything good to happen and they'll fill your local TGI Friday's with their screams. You don't need to blow up when the kicker makes the extra point. Just drink your Bud Light and move on, please.

Wine and martinis? Get out while you still can

 The atmosphere: Restaurants are super dark. I understand that if a restaurant is darker people eat more, blah blah blah. But does it really need to be so dark that my dad needs to use the flashlight on his phone in tandem with his reading glasses in order to read the menu? He looks like a moron and it embarrasses the entire family. Also, this one's pretty specific, but who did they hire as the interior designer for Applebee's? It looks like the world's most worthless antique shop exploded, then the same guy who designs hotel carpets and 70's conversion van interiors upholstered the seats. It's God awful. The quesadilla burger is pretty bomb though, so they're forgiven.

Applebee's interior, complete with entirely unrelated "antiques"

I hope you all enjoyed this week's installment of Cole's Complaints. I know everyone will continue to spend their hard earned money at restaurants, but I can only hope that you'll hate them a little bit more now. I'll see you all right here next week.

Week 19: Hipsters

Hipsters are native to Portland, Oregon. They are also, however, an invasive species that have spread across this entire godforsaken country to open deconstructed soup restaurants and ride giant, impractical bicycles. The hipster mentality, as I'll call it, is a pandemic. All across these United States we have mustache-wearing idiots who think they're better than everybody else. Here are the four main reasons that hipsters suck.

Their music: One of the most common stereotypes about hipsters is that they listen to obscure music, and they won't share it with anybody else. "I love this band, but you've probably never heard of them" is a commonly uttered phrase in organic vegan wine tastings across the country. You know what you call a band that nobody's ever heard of? A band that is bad at playing music. Even better are the wannabe hipsters that talk about bands that everybody has heard of. "I love this song, but you probably haven't heard it." Oh, you mean Roses by the Chainsmokers? Yeah that's been on the radio for like a year you pretentious fuck.

This is a band called Ice Age. Haven't heard of them? Don't bother looking them up

Their food: Do you like tacos? Great, then I'm sure you'd love to try tacos served in a shoe. What about pizza, do you like pizza? I'm sure you'd also like this pizza that's made on a bunch of crushed up, organic saltines instead of a regular crust. That's how hipsters view food. Why have a regular lasagna when instead you can get all of the ingredients served on different plates in front of you, in deconstructed form? Not only do you get to eat it, but you get to build it! It's almost like you could've done it at home for way less money. It's actually probably a good thing that hipsters eat at all, because it gives the rest of us a break from the incessant stream of bullshit that comes out of their mouths.

This is some sort of food served in a glass, that I stole from Buzzfeed. Serve food on plates

Their modes of transportation: Everybody is familiar with the stereotype about hipsters using old fashioned bikes with the huge wheel in front and the tiny wheel in back. "Hey Cole, what's the most ridiculous part about this stereotype?" Great question, valued reader. I'll tell you. The most ridiculous part about this stereotype is that there are actually a lot of hipsters who use these bicycles. Where the hell do they get them? How do you ride one? Can they hear people making fun of them when they ride one? Beyond these bicycles, hipsters have some other absurd modes of transportation. Roller skates, for example. That way, not only can you get where you need to go quickly, but you can look absolutely ridiculous once you get there! A vintage moped is another one. Why purchase a new, reliable moped when you can spend way more on a slower, worse looking, far less reliable version.

What happens when you encounter a hill?

The way they talk: Hipsters have an air of self-importance that they will proudly discuss with anybody, regardless of whether their victim is willing or not. The problem is that hipsters have no reason to think they're better than other people. They have no money. They eat weird food. They smell strange because they shower with tofu soap (every three days, to conserve water). They listen to bad music. They can't get anywhere quickly because their inefficient, 150-year-old bike is always breaking down. Despite all this, they act like they're King Henry VIII and you're his sixth wife. They're the losers in life, and it's absolutely infuriating that they don't recognize that.

This is King Henry VIII. He killed a lot of people

All I can do is pray that this is a passing fad, and that the next one isn't as painful. In the meantime, shave your mustaches and buy normal freaking bicycles, people. We can get through this together. I'll see you all next week.

Week 18: Construction

Every few months, a different part of this godforsaken campus transforms into a war zone of hard hats and bulldozers as they break ground on a new "improvement." The problem with these improvements is that they take years to complete, and they're a major inconvenience in the meantime. How much of an inconvenience? Imagine that you have a really nice house with a front door, a back door, and a really, really inconvenient door in the basement that you never ever use. Now imagine that somebody takes a bunch of backhoes and bulldozers and digs giant 30-foot pits in front of the front and back doors and then puts giant signs up that say "haha fuck you man" in front of your house, so you have to use the inconvenient door. Yeah that's pretty much what's happening in front of our library right now. Here's why construction sucks:

It takes forever: The construction never ends. The school is all about continuous improvement, which is fine I guess, but we'll never get to reap the benefits while we're here. I'm sure that the new student health center will look great when I come back to visit in 10 years, but walking around the construction every day until I graduate is going to be a real pain in the ass. Plus, I visit the health center just as much as anybody (vertigo episodes, hearing loss, back pain, countless prescriptions, the list goes on) and it doesn't need any improvement. You know what needs improvement? The shitty dorm I lived in freshman year. The horrible food. The class registration system. You know what none of those require? Massive construction projects that take forever and get in everybody's way.

This is where I lived freshman year. It was a shithole

It's loud: The other day I was in the library. If you're not familiar with libraries, they're places you can go to study because, generally, they're quiet. I was sitting there working on something important, like that day's clever tweet, when all of a sudden the entire building erupted in a loud grinding noise. I'm not sure if they were digging a new basement or blowing off the roof, but needless to say this noise was not conducive to studying. Construction, by nature, is super loud and obnoxious. If it's outside, it's not great but it could be worse. If it's inside, it'll sound like John Cena screaming his own name while firing a cannon at a wall made of air horns. Brace yourself.

He's about as big as a bulldozer too

It causes traffic: Construction causes a ridiculous amount of traffic, be it foot traffic or road traffic. All the construction around campus means that people have to walk in very specific routes to get to their classes. This means that the slow walkers get in everyone's way and make everybody late to class. They'll walk three across, as per usual, but the narrow pathways mean that I can't pass the three stooges and get where I need to go on time. It also closes roads that we use all the time. The other day I was trying to take a left onto one of the busiest roads in Columbia, and there was a guy in an orange vest and a hard hat standing there shaking his head and looking at me as if I were the moron in the situation. Right, because why would I have any reason to believe that I could take the same left that I take every day?

Columbia during "campus improvement"

The absolute worst part about the construction is that there's no way to avoid it. Every single year, they finish a construction project and start another one. All they can say to the tour groups, when they're looking at giant mounds of dirt, is "imagine how nice this will look in 5 years." It's awful. It's a never ending cycle of Hell on campus. 

I hope you all enjoyed this week's post. I'll see you all right back here next week for yet another complaint.

Week 17: Bars

A crowded bar is a vegan short of being my worst nightmare. There are very few reasons for me to stand shoulder to shoulder with a bunch of people I don't know, and paying money for shitty beer is certainly not one of them. Bars are dark, sweaty, loud places where sophistication goes to die. Here are some reasons why I hate bars, and why you should too:

They're disgusting: Have you ever walked into a bar with the lights on? It's like the day you look in the mirror and finally see the 10 pounds that everybody else has been talking about. If the floor isn't sticky, it's wet. Some of the bathrooms don't have sinks, but if they do it's being used as a toilet. Looking for a trash can? It'll be there, but it'll be chock full of vomit. I don't know what it is about drunk people and their overwhelming desire to destroy things, but boy have bars taken a hit. I'm surprised that half of these places are still standing. The floors are covered in years upon years of urine and vomit. Prisons keep cleaner facilities, because they actually have laws they need to follow for humane treatment of their patrons. You know, criminals. So the next time you go to the bar and drop your wallet in a pile of vomit, don't bother going to the bathroom to wash your hands. You'd be better off just going home.

Yelp review: Cleanest bathrooms in all of Hell

The people are awful: I feel like I could just put this headline here and leave it with no explanation. Pretty much everybody at a bar sucks. I mean, sure, if you go with a group of friends you're probably going to like at least one of them, but that's it. You have people that are far too drunk and passed out in the corner, people throwing shit at other people, guys trying to fight other guys, girls trying to fight other girls, people shoving their way past you without apologizing... I could go on and on. You also have girls asking everybody in the bar to buy them a drink. Um, no. Does it look like I want to pay three dollars for a drink that you get to enjoy? Plus, if your wallet is really that empty, shouldn't you be asking for something more practical, like a sandwich? The thing that astounds me the most about this is that these are the people who we all associate with on a regular basis. Yet when they go downtown, they all turn into inexorable douche bags. Oh hey, Brian from my marketing class. I just saw you this morning, but now you're wearing an Ed Hardy shirt and throwing punches at cops. I can't wait to see what happens to the belligerent drunks when they get hired by a company and try to start fights at the office Christmas party. Ah, college.

Hey look it's Brian from marketing

The crowds: The only thing worse than an empty bar with the lights on is a crowded bar with the lights off. If I wanted to be thrown into a room with a bunch of sweaty strangers, I would've wrestled in high school. I don't need anybody else's body pressed up against mine. Sure, I have a much larger personal space bubble than most other people, but I think it's acceptable for me to want to breathe fresh air instead of the near-toxic fumes coming off of somebody else's sweat-drenched shirt. Plus, I'm a relatively small guy. This does not lend itself to moving through crowds, especially when some drunk slug is in front of me and thinks the phrase "excuse me" translates to "stand here and look like a neanderthal." Crowded bars are like preschools, if all the preschoolers were 6 feet tall and deaf.

Real live image of Hell on earth

I'm sure most of you will still end up going out this weekend, but maybe this has been your moment of enlightenment. If you do go out, just remember to rinse in purell when you get back and maybe avoid hitting cops. I hope you all enjoyed this week's post. See you all next week.

Week 16: Guys

Guys suck. I've been saying it for years and I'll continue to say it until the day I die. They'll text you with smiley faces to get you "interested in them" and they'll think you're flirting if you sit next to them in class. They're dumb, overly confident, testosterone-packed animals. Those of us who are a little more self-aware are able to reign it in and function in society like normal human beings. We're significantly outnumbered, however, especially in this human zoo people call "college." I've summed up the 3 main reasons (plus some bonuses) that guys suck, though I could go on for days.

The flirty texts: They will text you, and the texts will have emojis. Do you have a boyfriend? Do you think that means you're off limits? You're wrong. That makes you a magnet for guys. They're scumbags, and they don't care if you're single or if you've been dating someone for three years. They will pursue you more intently than that squirrel from Ice Age pursues his acorn. Do you like John Mayer? What a coincidence, John Mayer is his favorite singer. Do you like going to the gym? No way, he's a total gym rat. Do you like poetry? You guys are perfect for each other, because he just happens to write shitty poetry. Get the point? Guys will do anything to pique your interest, and if you believe that frat-boy Joe has a passion for poetry, you might just deserve it.

This guy probably thought he still had a shot

Anytime alcohol is involved: For some reason, guys tend to think that alcohol is a magic potion that allows them to act like total douche bags without having to deal with any consequences. As many of them will figure out in the back of a police car, on the receiving end of a fist, or passed out in the bushes somewhere, this is not the case. One of the reasons I dislike going downtown here--and do it so infrequently--is because of all the halfwits doing everything they can to get a girl to talk to them. Here's an idea: be an interesting person who can hold a conversation. If you lead with "haha, I totally failed my exam today" that person is not going to want to talk to you because, regardless of what your buddies say, it's not actually cool to do poorly in school. Just because you're at a bar does not automatically mean that people are going to want to talk to you. Trust me, if you have the type of personality that I assume you do, it's going to take a lot more than a drink or two to get past it.

Couldn't tell you about the current political landscape, but could bench press a cow

At the gym: I did a whole blog post on this, so you all understand my feelings towards people at the gym. The thing I don't understand is why people, especially men, go to the gym in hopes of picking up women. Are you hoping that she'll see how much protein you can drink in a 24 hour period and just not be able to help herself? Is the sound of weights dropping on the floor some sort of primitive, ineffective mating call I'm not familiar with? The gym is a place where people (if you're doing it right) smell bad, leave drenched in sweat, and don't get dressed up. If you want to make a feeble attempt at picking up women, go home, take a shower, and do so in an appropriate setting.

"Hey girl, I eat 3,500 calories a day during bulking season, so you'll be buying dinner"

Miscellaneous: Here's a list of ridiculous things guys do and my reactions to them.

• Calling each other bro. Look in the mirror. Are you Tony Hawk? No? Then don't call anybody "bro."
• Sending dick pics. I can assure you that the last thing any woman wants to receive is an unsolicited photograph of your genitalia. Please refrain from sending such photos to anybody.
• Catcalling: When, in the history of ever, has yelling objectifying remarks at women actually gotten anybody a date? Oh, never? It's offensive, it makes the rest of us look bad, and nobody should ever be afraid to walk down the street.
• Bragging about your sex life: If you feel like you need to brag, I have no reason to believe that what you're saying is true.
• Man buns: This is a deeply seeded social issue that needs to be addressed. I can see why men with long hair wear it in a bun sometimes; it needs to be kept out of their eyes. What is not okay, however, are these other losers (usually the same people who say bro, send dick pics, catcall, and brag about their sex lives) who wear tiny, tiny man buns just because they heard that girls might be kind of into them. Have an original thought you clowns.

Guy with man bun or little girl from Despicable Me?

I think I've provided all of you with unequivocal proof that males need to be stopped. They send flirty texts to anybody nice enough to not block their number, they can't handle themselves around alcohol, they don't understand appropriate flirting locations, and they send people pictures of their junk. They are undoubtedly the worst. 

I hope you all (even the men in the room) enjoyed this week's post. See you all next week.

Week 15: An Open Letter to Sodexo

We're trying something a little different this week. In lieu of my normal listicle-style blog post, I've written an open letter to the trash-food serving catering company that calls itself Sodexo. Enjoy:

To whom it may concern,

Sodexo serves garbage on a paper plate. If I had a nickel for every day I've walked into the food court and stood at a loss as to (literally) which poison to pick, I'd have a nickel for every day I've been at this school. Read: a shit ton of nickels. You know it's bad when Taco Bell is one of the more luxurious options in the dining hall. It may cause firey-hot diarrhea, but at least it's consistent. Your standard Sodexo food is bland, greasy, oftentimes cold, and wreaks havoc on my stomach like I've never felt before. The freshman 15 is nonexistent at South Carolina because nobody here wants to eat the food.

Another issue is the price. In what world is a single, plain cheeseburger that's been sitting on the grill for 2 hours worth $6.50? In no world. Do you know how much an identical cheeseburger costs at Five Guys, a vastly superior burger restaurant? $5.09. By those standards, you should be paying me to eat your butt-burgers. By the way, this ridiculous price includes neither your grossly under-cooked french fries nor a drink. Nope, those will push the price for the meal over $10. For lunch. For a burger that I watched your "chefs" take out of the freezer and throw on the grill two hours ago.

Somehow, dining services at the University of South Carolina was ranked number 23 in the country earlier this year. This was touted all over campus, with signs displayed everywhere and t-shirts made for every single dining hall employee to wear every day. I can't fathom how bad the food at every other university in the country must be, because our food is absolutely horrible and we have the 23rd best food in the nation. This is beyond ridiculous and bordering on the insane. I have no clue what slightly-more-edible-than-usual trash you served the critics, but it certainly couldn't have been anything that I eat on a regular basis. Is there a post-consumption ranking? Like maybe they ranked us #23 for taste, but #4,000 for what the food does to you once it's actually inside your body. Even that's a stretch, though, because I can't imagine you guys being within the top 100 for taste.

If one were to peruse Sodexo's website (something they might be compelled to do after having one of your cheeseburgers stop them up like a shaken champagne bottle) they'll see that you claim to be dedicated to improving quality of life for all of your consumers. I think I speak for everyone when I say the only thing that would improve our quality of living would be to not have Sodexo food at this school. I think I'd rather eat peanut butter and jelly with doritos every day for the rest of my tenure here than be subjected to the gastrointestinal train wreck that is your food. But alas, I have a meal plan and I must continue to use it. I'll see you tomorrow, Sodexo, with a grimace on my face.

Sincerely,

Remarkably Dissatisfied

Week 14: Today

Today was a great day. The sun was shining, the grass seemed greener than usual, it was warm, bright, and beautiful. HAH, just kidding. Today blew. Here's why:

The Pollen: It's now spring, which is the shittiest time of the year. Walking outside is a recipe for instant death for anybody who, like me, was born with an unfortunate allergy to plant sperm. The yellow crap covers everything. Want to get into your car? Enjoy battling through a layer of plant shit. Step outside? You'll instantly be coated in the stuff. I have to shower every night and every morning to ensure that I look like a little bit less of a zombie when walking around campus during the day. Today was particularly bad because I didn't have a tissue during my finance test, and I was about half a second away from blowing my nose into the freaking scantron before turning it in. I don't know why evolution was able to give us opposable thumbs but wasn't able to keep us from being allergic to the outside.

NO DON'T TOUCH THE DEATHDUST. NEVER TOUCH THE DEATHDUST

The Heat: It's getting to that time of year again: the "famous" Columbia swamp weather. That means it's climbing to 90 degrees and 50% humidity. Enjoy, residents of Columbia, as you can't walk more than 100 yards without looking like you just hopped out of the shower. Today was one of those days. I had backpack-shaped sweat marks on my shirt by 11:30. It was horrible, and it just reminds me that I'll be sweating out of my ass for the rest of the semester.

Preach

The Muffins in the Business School Cafe: I like muffins. I like to enjoy a muffin between classes. About a month ago, the cafe in the business school replaced their regular sized muffins with mini muffins. Um, what the fuck? I don't know what over-indulgent, self-control-lacking asshole had that idea, but they don't deserve to have muffins of any size. If you can't buy a muffin and only eat half of it, then stick to water and celery. There's no need to ruin everybody else's enjoyment. This was pertinent today because I bought a muffin and, once again, they were still miniature. A little part of me hopes every morning that they've gone back to the regular sized muffins, and that same part of me dies every morning when they're miniature. I pay a lot of money to go to this school. I know they can afford some damn muffin trays.

This here is what we call a bullshit muffin

The Fact That it's Thursday: Admit it, Thursdays suck. It's just the day you have to get through before Friday. Thursday is like the salad you have to eat before your mom will let you eat your ice cream. It tastes like shit, and you can't imagine why anybody would enjoy it.

No explanation necessary

I hope you all enjoyed your pollen filled, hot, mini-muffined, shitty Thursday. I didn't. See you all next week for an all new complaint.

Week 13: People on Airplanes

As we all either return from spring break or get ready to leave, a lot of us will be boarding planes. Fair warning: it's going to suck. I've been traveling the skyways my entire life because, like many others, I'm a privileged white kid. It has very rarely been a pleasant experience. There always seems to be someone talking too loud, grabbing my seat, taking up too much space, or just generally being the worst. I've summed up those four types of people below.

Seat Grabbers: These people, either due to obesity or severe lack of self motivation, are unable to get out of their seat under their own power. This means that in order to use the rest room, which they must do six times during your one-hour-long domestic flight, they have to grab the back of your seat and heave themselves up. This would all be well and good if the seats were made out of concrete, but as myself, you, and other rational human beings know, they are not. So when Jabba the Hut behind you decides it's time for bathroom break number four, they hang onto your seat for dear life and it rocks more than your least favorite high school friend's head at a Nickelback concert.

Worst place on earth. Also probably a seat grabber's nirvana

Seat Shakers: You've heard of restless leg syndrome? Well these people suffer from restless life syndrome. I had a seat shaker in front of me on my flight to Las Vegas, and she single-handedly made those some of the worst four hours of my life. These people adjust their sitting position endlessly. Now, getting comfortable isn't an issue. We're all crammed into a steel and aluminium tube for a number of hours, so by all means get into a position that lends itself to bothering me the least. However, when these people adjust their sitting position, they do so with the force of a dump truck dropping off a load of smaller dump trucks. She almost spilled my drink several times and made it nearly impossible to keep anything on the tray table. I really had no way to combat this other than to mention her in my blog, so here we are.

Can't blame the kid. That guy looks like a textbook seat shaker

Loud Talkers: When on an airplane, please keep your annoying conversation and your cackling laughter to a minimum. This really applies anywhere, but the difference is that on an airplane I can't leave (no matter how much I may consider it). Nobody wants to hear about your Aunt Lauren, your coworker Darrel, or your cats. Keep to yourself and we all may just make it through this with a shred of sanity. Also, this is unrelated, but please, for the love of God, keep your feet in your damn shoes.

You should be ready to sit the hell down, Kristen Wiig

Your Roommate Who's Only Flown Like, Three times: If you have a roommate who has only taken planes on three different trips (before this one), let's call him Carter, don't take him with you. He will call connections "connectors." He will look out the window the entire flight and point out things on the ground. He will insist that you download the American Airlines app so you can receive flight status updates and view your boarding pass (even though you get it via email). He will talk about the quality of the landing for three hours. Do not take him with you.

He also might look like this

Planes are some of the worst places on earth. They charge you hundreds of dollars for a few hours of misery and take you to a place you'll probably hate. My advice? Stay home and watch Netflix. That costs $8 per month and you don't need anybody else around to use it. Perfect.

I hope you all enjoyed this two-blog bonus week. Have a great, flight-free weekend and I'll see you all right here next week.

Week 12: Las Vegas

I bet you're all wondering why I posted this on a Monday instead of the usual Thursday. Well this past week I spring broke and traveled to the faraway land of Las Vegas, Nevada. A far cry from the place of glamour and riches that Hollywood has made it out to be, Vegas is actually the land of cigarette smoke, public drunkenness, and overpriced everything. There was so much to complain about in Vegas that I began to question why anybody would travel there at all. I've laid out my four main points, in typical fashion, for your benefit. Take them or leave them, but don't expect to experience Vegas any differently.

The Drunk People: For those of you that don't know, Las Vegas has no open container laws. This means you can walk around on the sidewalk with a beer, margarita, shot of Everclear, what have you. For most people, this is great and it makes Vegas unique. However, it also means that there are drunk people around all the time. And I'm not talking about slightly tipsy, giddy drunk. No, I'm talking about dancing on tables, stumbling down the sidewalk, throwing up in trash cans and yelling at telephone poles drunk. At 10 am. We were walking around one night and we heard some drunk guy yelling at a group of people. This is what he said, verbatim, at a full-blown scream: "MONEY'S NOT A PROBLEM. I'VE GOT MONEY. I'VE GOT 480 BILLION IN MY BALLS." Now I've thought about this a lot since I heard said 50 year-old man brag about his balls, and I'm still not sure if he was talking about his sperm count or if he's got the world's most expensive testicles. Either way it was a pretty jarring thing to hear on an otherwise uneventful (as far as Vegas goes) night. That's just one example of how crazy the drunk population of Las Vegas can be.

Yeah

The Ridiculous Prices: Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, in Vegas was ridiculously overpriced. We went to McDonald's one night for a "cheap" dinner and to our dismay, the dollar menu had been replaced by the "McValue" menu. Everything on the McValue menu was two dollars. That was upsetting to say the least. We went to Subway a few days later and the footlong sandwich I typically get was $12. Do you know how absurd that is? That's $1 per inch. If you break that down it's about $0.25 per bite. That better be the best damn Subway sandwich I've ever had in my life. A beer that costs a dollar at a bar in Columbia costs an average of $9 at a bar in Vegas. If math isn't your strong suit, that's an 800% price increase. Pretty much the only thing that's truly free in Vegas is walking around on the sidewalk, but we tried to avoid that at all costs.

Home of the $10 Big Mac

The Slow Walkers: Those of you that read last week's post know how I feel about slow walkers, and Vegas is like Mecca for those people. Walking down the strip (the main street with all the hotels and casinos) should be considered a form of torture. At one point my roommate commented, "I could move faster with concrete blocks attached to my feet." I think the only difference is that with concrete on our feet we would've actually gotten some exercise walking at that pace. Nobody should question why our country has an obesity problem when they can go to Vegas and watch a bunch of people walk down the street slower than the tectonic plates are moving under their feet. I thought huge groups of people walking slowly on college campuses were a problem until I went to Vegas. We spent more time behind herds of people than we did doing nearly anything else. And it doesn't help that it's impossible to walk down the sidewalk without being hounded by hundreds of people trying to get you to go to their nightclub or pay for an escort. We were walking across a pedestrian bridge and a guy came up to us and said, "strippers and midgets?" How do you even respond to that? We just looked at him and said, "um, no thanks?" We spent the entire week behind a bunch of slow walkers and constantly got approached by club promoters. It's a wonder we were able to get anywhere on foot.

New Year's Eve or a typical night? Impossible to tell

The Smell of Vegas: Vegas reeks of cigarette smoke and regret. Unlike most other civilized places in the US, you can smoke pretty much anywhere in that city. This includes your hotel room, casinos, bars, bathrooms, taxis, restaurants, clubs, you name it. You don't truly realize the value of personal space until you've walked through 70 clouds of cigarette smoke in the span of an hour and a half. By the time we left, my entire suitcase smelled like a 65 year-old chain-smoking former stripper, and that was just from being present in the city for a week. There's not enough laundry detergent in the world to get that smell out. I had to save clean clothes for the plane trip back so people didn't think I was sneaking cigarettes in the bathroom.

Are you really playing slots if you're not bothering everyone around you?

Vegas is unique, there's no question about that. There's nothing like it anywhere else in the world. You know what else is unique? North Korea. That doesn't mean I want to go there.

I hope you all enjoyed this Las Vegas edition of Cole's Complaints, and on a Monday too. How exciting. I'll see you all later this week for yet another complaint.